Saturday, December 16, 2006

What does love look like?

Well, today I have a short but important post for you...

What does love look like?

1. A litte figure in outline on a monitor above my head - a perfect, gorgeous healthy baby boy who will join our family in May.

2. The beautiful grey hair of my Man against the skin of my belly as he rests His head against His son's temple.

3. Three little people staring at a screen and experiencing their first realisation that they are going to meet their baby brother next year.

4. Tears in my Man's eyes as He talks to His kids and hopes that they will love their baby brother as He loves them.

(Ok this is a sound but anyway) 5. The tired footsteps of my Man as He comes home from a second job late at night. Tired and exhausted trying to do His best for all of those under His charge me and mine included.

Sunday, November 19, 2006


For those of you who know me, you’d know that I was in an unhappy marriage when I met Fian. Well, this week I officially got divorced. I originally drafted this blog with a whole lot of ancient history about the wrongs of our relationship, the horrible things my ex did, my faults in the marriage and the absolutely crap sex life. But I have cut and deleted most of that - all that remains is the final paragraphs. This I think is what is important and relevant. I conducted the archeological dig on the ancient ruins and found these treasures of truth that can help in the future. After all, isn't that what history is about? To look back and learn the lessons to carry through into the future?

So here are the final paragraphs of the orginal post I spent two days writing.

I didn’t know how to let myself be loved. Didn’t feel worthy to be loved, didn’t like myself, let alone my husband. How could my heart survive when it didn’t really know what it was to be loved by the most important person – me?

How can we truly allow ourselves to be loved?

To do this you need to have an open heart, a loving heart. Be open to love and self acceptance. A healthy loving heart allows your spirit to revel in physical pleasures without the repercussions of guilt, or recrimination. When the heart is open to love it is open to receive blessings of the spirit as well as the blessing of finding someone who is open to loving you.

Fian and I have open hearts. We are open to the blessings that life brings us - receptive to the true love we have for each other, open to exploring what physical pleasures make us feel joyful, accepting of the new situations we find ourselves in and reveling in our roles with Dom/sub.

Open your hearts, look in the mirror with love, revel in the pleasure of the flesh, nourish your spirit with acceptance of your enjoyment, not guilt. You are all wonderful, worthy people who deserve to be loved.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Keeping Nice

Well, another long time between posts. What I have discovered is that although on the surface Fian and I cope really well with the stress from our ex's and all that stuff, it exhausts us. We are tired and use all our energy on each other and the kids so the blogs suffer.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

About a Man

Today I found myself at a training session (it’s Sunday) with a group of wonderful women sharing learning and companionship. While I found myself there, Fian found himself at home with 5 kids of various ages, all in various stages of settling into the new house and all with various needs.

What a Man! This is one of the sexiest aspects of Fian – He can take control of all or our kids, play games with them, discipline them and hand out hugs and kisses to all that need them. It is so Manly! I know, it’s not what people usually think of when thinking of sexy attributes, but hey, I have learnt not to live by other people’s rules (except of course Fian’s!)

What else can I tell you about Him? That when I catch sight of Him walking into or out of the room I still get butterflies? That the curve of his arse in blue jeans and the gorgeous lines of his back and shoulders in a white t-shirt make my tummy do flip flops and send shivers down my spine? That my favourite time of the day is when he undresses and I get to savour the sheer delight of him? Of course there is the way He turns and I see a particular look on His face that says I am going to have some ‘tasks’ to do – oh my. You know, I just realized I have told you very little about Fian and a lot about me and how I work!! Oh well.

You know, I intend to feel this way for the rest of my life. I know that life does change and our life will always have variables that we cannot control but throughout all of this I will love Him, honour Him and obey Him.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Submission as an antidote for poison

Have you ever sat back from a group of people and watched what takes place? Because I am basically on the fringe of a group of people that I have association with I have the privilege of being able to watch and learn as this group goes through its existence.

This group seemed to be a relatively harmonious crowd on first viewing, all existing within a small community based around a mutual interest. As I learnt more about the personalities of the people in the group I realized more and more that the harmony may have been based either on fear or intense peacekeeping activity. Soon I noticed little cliques based around looks, money or the level or purity to which the people in the clique considered themselves in regards to the particular interest of this community. What was far more disturbing than the cliques were the people who seemed to move amongst the various groups, cliques and then individuals creating disharmony.

Some communities have radicals. Those people who are so passionately committed to a particular cause or belief that they will move amongst a community either encouraging others to join them in their belief or encouraging dissent against the current popular regime or common belief. Radicals, although thorns in the side for many are not as harmful as the type of individuals that I witnessed in this community – the Poisoner.

Some people are poisonous. They are so damaged emotionally or psychologically from events in their life, their interactions with people, whilst seemingly benign, slowly and systematically get into the bloodstream of the group and poison the energy and life. Before you know it, there are cracks appearing in otherwise previously strong friendships. Gossip has generally begun to spread and soon anger and ill feeling is at the centre of the group energy and gangrene has taken over anyone on the extremities.

If by some unfortunate circumstance an individual either stands up to or inadvertently steps on the poisonous toes then they will end up squarely in the sights of the poison arrow. Small disagreements are blown completely out of proportion and then moving throughout the community the poisonous person ensures that one and only one side of the story is told…theirs.

Often playing the victim, poisonous people blame everyone else for their problems. In fact, not only do they blame others, but they feel the need to ensure that as many other people as possible also share their belief. Once someone has been allocated blame or guilt, the campaign begins in earnest. Regardless of what the offence or whether someone is guilty or not the word will be spread in a vicious game of Chinese whispers that the “poor Poisoner” has is so hard and it’s all “insert name of victim’s” fault. Often punctuated by crying, sighs, earnest conversations ending in endless sympathetic cups of tea and yet another fallen victim to add to the list of the poisoned.

This is not to say that the victim is ever blameless, but if, they in fact have done an injury to the Poisoner, their fate is even more securely sealed. Sealed with a poisonous kiss. Now, with concrete proof of their injury the poisonous one will move swiftly throughout her previous company weeping a tear with each piece of evidence lain on the table. Their destruction will be complete, the pity they receive lavish and another victim will lie in agony dying a slow social death as the poison seeps through the energy systems of the group.

Is there any hope? How can an individual or group recover from such activity?
Restitution lies in the same path as for any action that harms another. If the victim did indeed cause the poisonous one some slight then they need to apologise and ask for forgiveness. Then if they have made a genuine apology and done their best to made amends, any action on the poisonous part is not theirs to own. Go on with their life, live as good life as possible, keep their nose clean and as much as possible remember the lesson so they never make another feel the way they have been made to feel. Wishy washy? Yeah probably, but retribution, revenge or ranting and raving are, as I have witnessed, painful, pitiful and pointless. Remember, the community opinion of you is already low – why affirm this point of view with poor behaviour.

So, that is today’s lesson on social politics – probably nothing to do with submission, but then again as you may have guessed, I was one of the Poisoner’s early targets and have sat back and watch the pattern repeat itself since my own horrible experience. What a lesson to go through but wow have I grown from it and in fact, learnt to turn to Fian as well throughout the episode. He knows what will help the most and His advice was invaluable through it all. Now, I know that I can turn to Him in any circumstance. So maybe this was about submission after all.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Where does submissiveness go when it hasn't got anywhere to hide?

New look template - the black was too depressing.
Ok yes, here I go. Righto I can do this.

Well, I don’t know what I can say – I don’t feel like I have been a very good sub nor even to be honest a very good partner. I think it is one of those swings and roundabouts that I posted about a while ago. Life has gotten in the way and perhaps this is valid and perhaps it isn’t. I guess if I am honest, I am letting my submissiveness take a back seat (which somehow seems an appropriate description for where submissiveness goes! It isn’t really going to sit in the front seat is it?)

Demanding and bossy is what I have been. Not looking to Fian for guidance or leadership but just letting my mouth run off, letting anger or frustration take over. It’s as though I am becoming the antithesis of what I desire to be. So my question is: How do I maintain my strength and my ability to cope with all of the stuff that is going on and then let myself be soft and willing to be lead? I feel like if I let go a little I am going to lose it all. Lose myself, lose the fight and just lose control.

I love my life I really do, I love Fian and I LOVE our life together. It’s the rest of the stuff – the battles over kids with the ex’s, property battles and working so hard to get ahead in life. Life is a constant struggle and I feel like I am not good enough to maintain the battle.

Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up” just came on – ah ok, sometimes inspiration comes from the least expected places. I’m not usually one for putting lyrics on the blog, but well, just for once.

Dont give up

cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong

Now, back to how to I get back to my place where I belong? My place at his feet.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Busy Busy Busy

When life gets too full, something has to give and recently it has had to be blogging. Fian and I have moved out of our houses into one big house for all of us, started to have some success in business which has meant lots to do, been trying to conceive a baby AND we’ve been sick.

I can’t even begin to describe the past week nor can I describe the exhaustion that seems to be taking hold of me tonight. Our new house has boxes everywhere, the kids beds are not put together (luckily the kids are all at their other parent’s houses) and I am sitting on my bed blogging and updating my long overdue posts on an internet board. Yes, I should be out there unpacking but I don’t want to and to Fian’s credit He is leaving me be.

We are having a couple of hours alone time. Fian is up building beds and I am having some down time. Following a pretty intense psychological/therapy/healing session on Friday I am having a bit of a reaction so I am, I guess to put it lightly, a bit irritable. During the session I worked through some anger incidents that have triggered a pattern of thought and behaviour over my life. Addressing these incidents and resolving them it frees me up for rapid growth and development both personally and spiritually. However, it’s pretty intense and you tend to have a reaction of the type of emotion or behaviour that you worked on. SO I am irritable and quick to anger at the moment and Fian has never seen this in me. It is, (I believe) pretty confronting as this was a common behaviour pattern in His ex-wife, but a totally out of character pattern in me. Thank goodness a reaction only lasts a few days.

This sort of behaviour is challenging in a D/s sense too because I have been critical, questioned His authority and decisions, been snappy and belligerent. All great attitudes in a sub…NOT!!!

However, Fian is the head of this household and even though I may be a bit off the mark right now, I still look up to Him, love Him unconditionally and trust Him totally.

So, yes, we are still around and yes we are still Dom and sub but the physical submission/play activity is a bit quiet right now. It takes a lot of energy and a bit of planning and at the moment our energy and planning is being directed towards achieving financial freedom. I’m not worried, we will come back to the physical when the time is right. Fian still has total access to my body as He wishes and He takes advantage of this fully as and when He sees fit. He sees fit a lot - I am such a lucky girl.

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