Thursday, September 28, 2006
Where does submissiveness go when it hasn't got anywhere to hide?
New look template - the black was too depressing.
Ok yes, here I go. Righto I can do this.
Well, I don’t know what I can say – I don’t feel like I have been a very good sub nor even to be honest a very good partner. I think it is one of those swings and roundabouts that I posted about a while ago. Life has gotten in the way and perhaps this is valid and perhaps it isn’t. I guess if I am honest, I am letting my submissiveness take a back seat (which somehow seems an appropriate description for where submissiveness goes! It isn’t really going to sit in the front seat is it?)
Demanding and bossy is what I have been. Not looking to Fian for guidance or leadership but just letting my mouth run off, letting anger or frustration take over. It’s as though I am becoming the antithesis of what I desire to be. So my question is: How do I maintain my strength and my ability to cope with all of the stuff that is going on and then let myself be soft and willing to be lead? I feel like if I let go a little I am going to lose it all. Lose myself, lose the fight and just lose control.
I love my life I really do, I love Fian and I LOVE our life together. It’s the rest of the stuff – the battles over kids with the ex’s, property battles and working so hard to get ahead in life. Life is a constant struggle and I feel like I am not good enough to maintain the battle.
Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up” just came on – ah ok, sometimes inspiration comes from the least expected places. I’m not usually one for putting lyrics on the blog, but well, just for once.
Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong
Now, back to how to I get back to my place where I belong? My place at his feet.
Ok yes, here I go. Righto I can do this.
Well, I don’t know what I can say – I don’t feel like I have been a very good sub nor even to be honest a very good partner. I think it is one of those swings and roundabouts that I posted about a while ago. Life has gotten in the way and perhaps this is valid and perhaps it isn’t. I guess if I am honest, I am letting my submissiveness take a back seat (which somehow seems an appropriate description for where submissiveness goes! It isn’t really going to sit in the front seat is it?)
Demanding and bossy is what I have been. Not looking to Fian for guidance or leadership but just letting my mouth run off, letting anger or frustration take over. It’s as though I am becoming the antithesis of what I desire to be. So my question is: How do I maintain my strength and my ability to cope with all of the stuff that is going on and then let myself be soft and willing to be lead? I feel like if I let go a little I am going to lose it all. Lose myself, lose the fight and just lose control.
I love my life I really do, I love Fian and I LOVE our life together. It’s the rest of the stuff – the battles over kids with the ex’s, property battles and working so hard to get ahead in life. Life is a constant struggle and I feel like I am not good enough to maintain the battle.
Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up” just came on – ah ok, sometimes inspiration comes from the least expected places. I’m not usually one for putting lyrics on the blog, but well, just for once.
Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong
Now, back to how to I get back to my place where I belong? My place at his feet.
// posted by KD @ 7:19 PM 
Comments:
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I can relate to this post quite a bit. Hang in there. You are aware of yourself & how you want to be or not be - I think that's half of it right there.
It's been a busy time for too so give yourself some room - look how long it's been since you've posted - we don't hold it against you (life taking over and all) so don't hold it against yourself. Okay?
So glad to read your post today!
Like the new 'look' too - what a surprise !
My best to you and Fian!
It's been a busy time for too so give yourself some room - look how long it's been since you've posted - we don't hold it against you (life taking over and all) so don't hold it against yourself. Okay?
So glad to read your post today!
Like the new 'look' too - what a surprise !
My best to you and Fian!
# posted by 
: 2:21 PM, September 29, 2006
: 2:21 PM, September 29, 2006
hey sis you've 'decorated'... and how appropriate cos its never really black and white is it!!
I agree with Roz, and would add something to that too. Who would you want to judge whether you are being a good submissive or a good partner?
So much of what gets stirred up by our submissive thoughts and feelings seems to conflict sometimes with the strong independently minded women we often are in the rest of our lives. And yet, knowing you both as I do, I would say it is precisely for those qualities, for that wonderful mix there is inside you, that Fian loves you.
You will never 'lose control' by giving it to him... and deep in the core of you I know you know that. But I also know how when the rest of the world crowds in, makes demands, creates problems, that it can feel exactly like that.
You are right about life sometimes being a constant struggle - but not being good enough to maintain the battle?....you ARE good enough, strong enough. You have a beautiful soul, a big heart and the sort of openness that lets you feel the good and bad stuff in equal measure. Never change my darling, because that's what we love about you.
When it does all seem too much, let others do for you what I know you'd do for them.... take the strain a little.
The biggest hugs in the world my darling sister.....I LOVE YOU.
xxxxxxxxxx
I agree with Roz, and would add something to that too. Who would you want to judge whether you are being a good submissive or a good partner?
So much of what gets stirred up by our submissive thoughts and feelings seems to conflict sometimes with the strong independently minded women we often are in the rest of our lives. And yet, knowing you both as I do, I would say it is precisely for those qualities, for that wonderful mix there is inside you, that Fian loves you.
You will never 'lose control' by giving it to him... and deep in the core of you I know you know that. But I also know how when the rest of the world crowds in, makes demands, creates problems, that it can feel exactly like that.
You are right about life sometimes being a constant struggle - but not being good enough to maintain the battle?....you ARE good enough, strong enough. You have a beautiful soul, a big heart and the sort of openness that lets you feel the good and bad stuff in equal measure. Never change my darling, because that's what we love about you.
When it does all seem too much, let others do for you what I know you'd do for them.... take the strain a little.
The biggest hugs in the world my darling sister.....I LOVE YOU.
xxxxxxxxxx
kd.. hugssssssss... I love the new look...
you know. I hardly share the tough times with DragonM... yes ocourse I share as I wanna be there, wish I could help and stuff like that... but what you and Fian have been going through... fights with ex's and so... well that was for me with RB... and in that relationship I am the decisionmaker cause that's totally not in him... so I guess in a way it's easier for me...
but you know... only you and Fian can pass judgement upon you.. no one else... cause we're not in your shoes... and I suspect that your own judgement is harder then Fian's... cause he is a caring and very wise man...
so find the time to talk, to unstress....
love, lessa
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you know. I hardly share the tough times with DragonM... yes ocourse I share as I wanna be there, wish I could help and stuff like that... but what you and Fian have been going through... fights with ex's and so... well that was for me with RB... and in that relationship I am the decisionmaker cause that's totally not in him... so I guess in a way it's easier for me...
but you know... only you and Fian can pass judgement upon you.. no one else... cause we're not in your shoes... and I suspect that your own judgement is harder then Fian's... cause he is a caring and very wise man...
so find the time to talk, to unstress....
love, lessa
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