Sunday, April 30, 2006
Lists, lists, lists
Packing lists
Lists of jobs to do before we leave
Shopping lists
Lists of things not to forget
Address lists
Lists of places we want to have sex
Yup, all the lists we need before we head off to the UK for two weeks. They all seem pretty normal don't they? Don't they?
Ok so Fian is trying to coax me out of my comfort zone. Actually coax is not really the word I'm looking for. Perhaps tempt? Hmm nope. Coerce. Getting closer. Ok that's it, no more beating around the bush. He is ordering me out of my comfort zone. Hello - is there no place sacred anymore? I mean really being ordered out of my comfort zone. Who does He think He is? My Master or someth...oh shit. Nevermind.
Not only does He insist that we will be having sex on the plane, but He has started to make it very clear that there will be a few places in the great outdoors that could see some Fian and KD makin whoopee action.
Don't think I'm a prude please, but I worry about offending other people. Or trees. In fact I'm not adverse to worrying about what the passing sparrows or ladybugs may think also. Plus I really hate having a chilly bum. Yes I know - a terrible spoil sport.
Off on a completely different tangent, I am being totally distracted by my gorgeous Fian parading around in front of me wearing a rock climbing harness. Just the harness...all the while making jokes about extra holds, expansion holds and cracks in the rock. Cute. Very cute.
We went shopping today. We bought two day packs for our hikes and to take on the plane a travel clothes line, lantern candles, a shaver called the 'Intimate Area Shaver', a ball-link chain light crop and a cock ring. All off the shopping list. Did I mention that I love lists?!!! This was the "Things to buy before the trip list"
If you think that's a good list, you should see the "Things to make sure we don't accidently pack list" lol!
Lists of jobs to do before we leave
Shopping lists
Lists of things not to forget
Address lists
Lists of places we want to have sex
Yup, all the lists we need before we head off to the UK for two weeks. They all seem pretty normal don't they? Don't they?
Ok so Fian is trying to coax me out of my comfort zone. Actually coax is not really the word I'm looking for. Perhaps tempt? Hmm nope. Coerce. Getting closer. Ok that's it, no more beating around the bush. He is ordering me out of my comfort zone. Hello - is there no place sacred anymore? I mean really being ordered out of my comfort zone. Who does He think He is? My Master or someth...oh shit. Nevermind.
Not only does He insist that we will be having sex on the plane, but He has started to make it very clear that there will be a few places in the great outdoors that could see some Fian and KD makin whoopee action.
Don't think I'm a prude please, but I worry about offending other people. Or trees. In fact I'm not adverse to worrying about what the passing sparrows or ladybugs may think also. Plus I really hate having a chilly bum. Yes I know - a terrible spoil sport.
Off on a completely different tangent, I am being totally distracted by my gorgeous Fian parading around in front of me wearing a rock climbing harness. Just the harness...all the while making jokes about extra holds, expansion holds and cracks in the rock. Cute. Very cute.
We went shopping today. We bought two day packs for our hikes and to take on the plane a travel clothes line, lantern candles, a shaver called the 'Intimate Area Shaver', a ball-link chain light crop and a cock ring. All off the shopping list. Did I mention that I love lists?!!! This was the "Things to buy before the trip list"
If you think that's a good list, you should see the "Things to make sure we don't accidently pack list" lol!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Steamed vegetables, beer on tap and sex
Yesterday you could say that I was completly lost. I was in such a hole of depression and despair. I felt worthless, useless and had just about given up and tried to get some kind of drug to knock me off the planet for a few days. Yup, the first episode of PMT off the anti-depressants and what did KD forget to take to work?......Only the natural remedies that help me feel better, lunch to keep me nourished and on an even keel and my good attitude ( I think that I left it under the bed or somewhere).
By going home time I had managed to pull myself up enough to know that Fian and I should not stay home that night otherwise it would end up in a war - I was stinging for a fight. So I borrowed my business partner's car (a beatiful silver Mercedes Benz - one of the things that I am going to buy when I am at the same level in our business as this partner) and drove home. I pulled up outside Fian's house and tooted the horn and then down went the electric window and I called out "Hey you want to come for a drive with me?!!" He nearly fell over with the shock of seeing me in this car!
We drove into the mountains and went to a beautiful little pub for dinner. We are both vegetarians and so we had an amalgamation of various side dishes (all extremely yummy!!!) One of the great joys in life is a huge plate of steamed vegies with a drizzle of butter! Fian enjoyed one of the best selections of beer on tap around.
What was amazing is that we had such open and honest conversation over dinner. I explained about what it feels like to have depression (or how the chemical imbalance sometimes takes over) and then we talked about our sex life, His Dominance and my submission. At the table, surrounded by other diners and with the waitress coming back and forth with food and drink...We spoke in low voices, hushed tones that matched the mellow flickering light from the candle on our table. We spoke of our bodies, of orgasm and of our feelings about where our D/S is taking us. It would have been very obvious to anyone looking on that we were very much 'closed to the public' as far as interaction with anyone else there was concerned.
When we got home I was exhausted from my difficult day and just about fell into bed. There I found Fian, arms open wide to catch me, His mouth ready to suck at my breast, His hands ready to caress my aching body into a relaxed submission and of course His cock more than ready to take me. Take me to a place where there is no doubt that I am loved and adored, a place where worth is not measured on a scale of achievement; a place where I find power, strength and peace.
Here again is where the power of my submission comes in - it would have been all too easy to say that I was too tired, to give into the lingering threads of my down day. But He had other ideas. He knew better. He is my Man and had wants, needs, desires and a plan to bring me back to myself. Yup, I admit it - He was right and frequently is.
Now to work and then tonight we begin getting ready for our trip. In one week we fly out of here and have two weeks holiday in the UK!!! Yay I can't wait!!!!!!!! (Can yout tell I'm excited? lol)
By going home time I had managed to pull myself up enough to know that Fian and I should not stay home that night otherwise it would end up in a war - I was stinging for a fight. So I borrowed my business partner's car (a beatiful silver Mercedes Benz - one of the things that I am going to buy when I am at the same level in our business as this partner) and drove home. I pulled up outside Fian's house and tooted the horn and then down went the electric window and I called out "Hey you want to come for a drive with me?!!" He nearly fell over with the shock of seeing me in this car!
We drove into the mountains and went to a beautiful little pub for dinner. We are both vegetarians and so we had an amalgamation of various side dishes (all extremely yummy!!!) One of the great joys in life is a huge plate of steamed vegies with a drizzle of butter! Fian enjoyed one of the best selections of beer on tap around.
What was amazing is that we had such open and honest conversation over dinner. I explained about what it feels like to have depression (or how the chemical imbalance sometimes takes over) and then we talked about our sex life, His Dominance and my submission. At the table, surrounded by other diners and with the waitress coming back and forth with food and drink...We spoke in low voices, hushed tones that matched the mellow flickering light from the candle on our table. We spoke of our bodies, of orgasm and of our feelings about where our D/S is taking us. It would have been very obvious to anyone looking on that we were very much 'closed to the public' as far as interaction with anyone else there was concerned.
When we got home I was exhausted from my difficult day and just about fell into bed. There I found Fian, arms open wide to catch me, His mouth ready to suck at my breast, His hands ready to caress my aching body into a relaxed submission and of course His cock more than ready to take me. Take me to a place where there is no doubt that I am loved and adored, a place where worth is not measured on a scale of achievement; a place where I find power, strength and peace.
Here again is where the power of my submission comes in - it would have been all too easy to say that I was too tired, to give into the lingering threads of my down day. But He had other ideas. He knew better. He is my Man and had wants, needs, desires and a plan to bring me back to myself. Yup, I admit it - He was right and frequently is.
Now to work and then tonight we begin getting ready for our trip. In one week we fly out of here and have two weeks holiday in the UK!!! Yay I can't wait!!!!!!!! (Can yout tell I'm excited? lol)
Monday, April 24, 2006
Tonight
Tonight I am the Woman who has prepared the Game.
A box of fun – a funny card game, some toys and suggestive comments to let my Man play.
Red and pink envelopes with slips of paper inside - on them words that start with ‘B’, ‘T’.
How many ways can he mark me as His using the instruments in the third envelope???
What do I have to do? We have treats for Him to Bribe me, Tempt me to come out of my oh so comfortable comfort zone and then Reward me when I have performed satisfactorily?
An envelope marked “Bare” and another marked “Bound” and one, oh beautiful handwritten scroll marked “Last”.
A box of fun, lust, love and pain (yes although I HATE pain I give my pain as a gift to my Master occasionally).
We have a holiday tomorrow so we can rest.
My beautiful Fian is cooking me food – wholesome, organic food prepared with extra amounts of love for me!!! I feel pampered, Loved and totally owned. After we have eaten the Game will begin…what more could I ask for.
I have been feeling really like I am not worth loving, struggling with the old demons that are trying to knock at the door since I’ve been coming off anti-depressants. The horrible sense of being worthless, out of control and basically like things are too hard. BUT Fian is there for me – at times to hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and to remind me that to imply otherwise is to question His judgment. Other times He takes me in hand – guides me gently or not so gently to get past the demons. Today started with me not coping, being snipity and snarly. He suffered, I suffered and then of course I felt guilty, then loathed myself and hated what I was.
But not tonight. Tonight we play.
Tonight we celebrate Love, Lust and Life.
Tonight is the night to Touch, Taste and Tempt.
Tonight I am the Woman who has prepared the Game.
A box of fun – a funny card game, some toys and suggestive comments to let my Man play.
Red and pink envelopes with slips of paper inside - on them words that start with ‘B’, ‘T’.
How many ways can he mark me as His using the instruments in the third envelope???
What do I have to do? We have treats for Him to Bribe me, Tempt me to come out of my oh so comfortable comfort zone and then Reward me when I have performed satisfactorily?
An envelope marked “Bare” and another marked “Bound” and one, oh beautiful handwritten scroll marked “Last”.
A box of fun, lust, love and pain (yes although I HATE pain I give my pain as a gift to my Master occasionally).
We have a holiday tomorrow so we can rest.
My beautiful Fian is cooking me food – wholesome, organic food prepared with extra amounts of love for me!!! I feel pampered, Loved and totally owned. After we have eaten the Game will begin…what more could I ask for.
I have been feeling really like I am not worth loving, struggling with the old demons that are trying to knock at the door since I’ve been coming off anti-depressants. The horrible sense of being worthless, out of control and basically like things are too hard. BUT Fian is there for me – at times to hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and to remind me that to imply otherwise is to question His judgment. Other times He takes me in hand – guides me gently or not so gently to get past the demons. Today started with me not coping, being snipity and snarly. He suffered, I suffered and then of course I felt guilty, then loathed myself and hated what I was.
But not tonight. Tonight we play.
Tonight we celebrate Love, Lust and Life.
Tonight is the night to Touch, Taste and Tempt.
Tonight I am the Woman who has prepared the Game.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
50 Years of Marriage
Fian and I have been away recently to my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary. I can't believe that they have been married so long! Until I met Fian I never thought that it was possible to be married to someone for any seriously long time(hmmm, actually I used to think for any length of time)and be happy. Comfortable, yes. Settled, yes. Bored, definitely. Stuck, maybe. But happy and in love??? No way, not possible.
Before Fian (BF) when I saw people who were married kissing, holding hands and acting like they were in love I felt a sense of utter disbelief. It was a lie - marriage was not like that. They were just putting on a show and when they got out of sight it was just like my marriage. Tolerating each other's presence, wondering if this is all there is and wishing with all my heart that I had been more corageous when I had pre-wedding jitters.
My parents danced in the lounge room at their party. Their feet moved in perfect rhythm, Mum held tight by Dad as he led her aroung the room. Mum rested her head on Dad's shoulder - I actually believed that she meant what she said in her speech when she said she loved Dad more today than she did 50 years ago. What is the difference? Why do I believe in the possibility of a love-filled marriage now?
Fian. He is the difference. As I danced in my sister's lounge room, feet not moving quite as perfectly as my parents, my head resting on Fian's shoulder I realised that I had it. I was those couples who seemed to actually LIKE each other and love each other!!!
(oh Wuv, twue wuv) - That's for those fellow 'Princess Bride' fans out there!!
Oh, and the sex is fantastic too!!!!!
Before Fian (BF) when I saw people who were married kissing, holding hands and acting like they were in love I felt a sense of utter disbelief. It was a lie - marriage was not like that. They were just putting on a show and when they got out of sight it was just like my marriage. Tolerating each other's presence, wondering if this is all there is and wishing with all my heart that I had been more corageous when I had pre-wedding jitters.
My parents danced in the lounge room at their party. Their feet moved in perfect rhythm, Mum held tight by Dad as he led her aroung the room. Mum rested her head on Dad's shoulder - I actually believed that she meant what she said in her speech when she said she loved Dad more today than she did 50 years ago. What is the difference? Why do I believe in the possibility of a love-filled marriage now?
Fian. He is the difference. As I danced in my sister's lounge room, feet not moving quite as perfectly as my parents, my head resting on Fian's shoulder I realised that I had it. I was those couples who seemed to actually LIKE each other and love each other!!!
(oh Wuv, twue wuv) - That's for those fellow 'Princess Bride' fans out there!!
Oh, and the sex is fantastic too!!!!!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Bound
I lie bound. My breasts pushed together, a willing second cunt for his gorgeous cock.
My legs are free, but together, waiting for him to pull them apart - separating the lips of my cunt.
My clit throbbing, waiting for the clamp of his teeth and the suck of his tongue.
Opened wider and exposed now. Bare flesh - the hair torn away by wax. My cunt starts to contract then expand pulling away from the fucking it is about to receive only to reach out for the hard inescapable thrust and the divine pull of withdrawal and cum inducing curl of fingers inside.
Loosing myself further I fall into the place where there is only the sound of my breath. Panting I am nothing but a cunt for His cock. SLAP I am back, the sting of his hand and the searing burn on my arse as he slaps me - gently, hard, soft, brutal. I grow wet with the pain, then I feel his cock move to join the torture of my arse and know that I am His.
Sorry I've been so quiet - we have been away travelling and sheer exhaustion has taken over since our return. More later - much news to tell!!!
My legs are free, but together, waiting for him to pull them apart - separating the lips of my cunt.
My clit throbbing, waiting for the clamp of his teeth and the suck of his tongue.
Opened wider and exposed now. Bare flesh - the hair torn away by wax. My cunt starts to contract then expand pulling away from the fucking it is about to receive only to reach out for the hard inescapable thrust and the divine pull of withdrawal and cum inducing curl of fingers inside.
Loosing myself further I fall into the place where there is only the sound of my breath. Panting I am nothing but a cunt for His cock. SLAP I am back, the sting of his hand and the searing burn on my arse as he slaps me - gently, hard, soft, brutal. I grow wet with the pain, then I feel his cock move to join the torture of my arse and know that I am His.
Sorry I've been so quiet - we have been away travelling and sheer exhaustion has taken over since our return. More later - much news to tell!!!
Monday, April 10, 2006
Today's Top Five Bimbo
The withdrawal symptoms are kicking in big time to the point that I just cannot put more than two words together in a logical order.
In honour of Fian's vindictive Ex who has 'named' me "The Bimbo", here are my top five bimbo acts for the day (All caused by the drug withdrawal...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!) lol
5. Forgetting every Bimbo thing I've done today and now having to get Fian to tell me all of them again!
4.Having to go back up my driveway three times tonight to pick up something I've forgotten...my driveway is 1km long. (that's 0.621miles)
3. Mentioning that I didn't have any underwear just seconds before Fian says "Oh that reminds me I have to call my mother"!!! OK, so not entirely an act of Bimbo, but definitely an odd (and very disturbing) coincidence.
2. I have dropped, kicked, bumped, scratched and broken anything and everything I have come into contact with today. Fian has put some pants on instead of staying naked tonight for a precautionary measure or is that supposed to be a protectionary measure???
And the number 1. Bimbo for today is....... Driving to the city (just over an hour away) at 1pm totally and utterly forgetting that I have to pick my son up from school at 3pm. HMMM the timing just doesn't add up there. Thank goodness I realised this way in time to do many embarassed phone calls to other mums to find someone who can take him to their house for a play date for a while. *** (OK, Fian is cutting in here to point out that He realised it and asked me what I was doing about school pick up - sheesh picky picky anyone would think that He is the prominent ooops, dominant part of this relationship!!)***
In the interest of public safety I think I should now go and sit quietly in a chair (oh, hang on, Fian said it has to be the corner) and not touch anything, say anything or do anything unless I am told to. Yummmm sounds kinda fun actually!
In fact before I go here is something I was told to do tonight...
"You may kiss my cock."
"Now you may lick my balls, now this side."
"Now, as you stand up, lick up the shaft, kiss the end of my cock and then kiss me on the mouth."
*Sigh* I'm off to my corner to await the rest of His instructions!
In honour of Fian's vindictive Ex who has 'named' me "The Bimbo", here are my top five bimbo acts for the day (All caused by the drug withdrawal...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!) lol
5. Forgetting every Bimbo thing I've done today and now having to get Fian to tell me all of them again!
4.Having to go back up my driveway three times tonight to pick up something I've forgotten...my driveway is 1km long. (that's 0.621miles)
3. Mentioning that I didn't have any underwear just seconds before Fian says "Oh that reminds me I have to call my mother"!!! OK, so not entirely an act of Bimbo, but definitely an odd (and very disturbing) coincidence.
2. I have dropped, kicked, bumped, scratched and broken anything and everything I have come into contact with today. Fian has put some pants on instead of staying naked tonight for a precautionary measure or is that supposed to be a protectionary measure???
And the number 1. Bimbo for today is....... Driving to the city (just over an hour away) at 1pm totally and utterly forgetting that I have to pick my son up from school at 3pm. HMMM the timing just doesn't add up there. Thank goodness I realised this way in time to do many embarassed phone calls to other mums to find someone who can take him to their house for a play date for a while. *** (OK, Fian is cutting in here to point out that He realised it and asked me what I was doing about school pick up - sheesh picky picky anyone would think that He is the prominent ooops, dominant part of this relationship!!)***
In the interest of public safety I think I should now go and sit quietly in a chair (oh, hang on, Fian said it has to be the corner) and not touch anything, say anything or do anything unless I am told to. Yummmm sounds kinda fun actually!
In fact before I go here is something I was told to do tonight...
"You may kiss my cock."
"Now you may lick my balls, now this side."
"Now, as you stand up, lick up the shaft, kiss the end of my cock and then kiss me on the mouth."
*Sigh* I'm off to my corner to await the rest of His instructions!
Friday, April 07, 2006
This is a must read (even if I am biased)
Yes, he is my Man, but I love what he has written here. Amongst everything else this is why I love him.
http://discoveringfian.blogspot.com/2006/04/well-it-has-been-sometime-since-i.html
http://discoveringfian.blogspot.com/2006/04/well-it-has-been-sometime-since-i.html
Musings of the morning
OK, so some might say that I’m naïve but in my defence let’s just say that there wasn’t a lot of sex in my previous marriage and most of my experience before that is lost in the fog of my mind (you know ancient history and all that).
This morning Fian and I were snuggling, the kids were out of their beds clanging and banging around the kitchen and calling out to me to hurry up. (They didn't know that Fian was in my room). I was commenting on how incredibly smooth my cunt was feeling after shaving the night before. Of course Fian had to check out how smooth it was by giving me a kiss there. This lead to more ‘kisses’, a very wet cunt and a seriously hard cock. I didn't think it would lead to anything more, I really had to be out of bed in about 2 minutes. Silly me.
Apparently this is enough time. This is where I appear to be completely dumb. Fian is a fantastic lover that can fuck me in every way possible for as long as I could possibly imagine. He thrust his cock straight into me and fucked me hard and came in me in the 2 minutes available. As Fian instructed me to “Get up, get dressed and get going” I commented on how quickly he came. The answer…
“Karen, I could come that quick every time we fuck, I choose to control it.”
Oh. (I think I should probably be saying ‘D’oh’.)
On a completely different topic….
Constant nausea, abdominal pain, extreme forgetfulness and clumsiness (I call it the ‘dropsy’s’) and an overwhelming desire to nap all the time. Yup,it's all related to the baby that Fian and I are going to have. *Sigh* One day.
No, I'm not pregnant, but it is another step in our quest to have children together.
I have been on an anti-depressant for over three years and I thank the powers that it was there for me. Before I went on the medication life felt numb, dead – not sad, not happy, just flat. Nothing ever moved me to tears or to laughter. Pretty sad when you’ve got three beautiful kids all at that gorgeous toddler age. My ex blames everything that was wrong at that time of our marriage on my depression (and while it certainly didn’t help), I think the depression was partly triggered by a desperately loveless marriage.
Enough of the past. I read an article earlier in the year highlighting the fact that the biggest factor in a successful transition off anti-depressants was having a very strong support team. Yes, other things like complimentary health approaches, exercise and counselling were hugely important, but if the person had the support of a loving group of family or friends they were more likely to come off the medication and never need it again.
I now have that. I feel like this is the first time in fifteen years or more that I am loved unconditionally and that I have a group of people around me that truly want me to be the best that I can. This includes of course my Man Fian.
So…(boy I really took a long time to come to this didn’t I?!) I am right down to a tiny bit of medication as I ween myself (fairly quickly because I DON’T want to be on it if I fall pregnant). Hence the massive withdrawal/detox symptoms.
Of course I didn’t work out what was causing theses feelings straight away did I?! In addition to trying to ‘find myself’ and keep the kids/house/work/business/life moving I was worried that I had contracted some strange illness!!!! At 2am this morning I was wandering around the kitchen trying to think of a way to stop feeling so sick. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the packet of the medication.***BLING*** Mental light clicks on... A quick search on the net confirmed my idea. There were many others who had experienced the same thing as well as information from the company. I went to bed feeling, if not physically better, a lot better for knowing what was going on.
Of course what makes it all worthwhile is the immense joy I feel at being so loved by Fian, the occasional sadness when life happens and the fun of falling on the floor laughing with Fian and my kids after we have been dancing around the room to daggy music. To feel the full range of emotion is a blessing - one I don't intend to forget to say thanks for every single day.
This morning Fian and I were snuggling, the kids were out of their beds clanging and banging around the kitchen and calling out to me to hurry up. (They didn't know that Fian was in my room). I was commenting on how incredibly smooth my cunt was feeling after shaving the night before. Of course Fian had to check out how smooth it was by giving me a kiss there. This lead to more ‘kisses’, a very wet cunt and a seriously hard cock. I didn't think it would lead to anything more, I really had to be out of bed in about 2 minutes. Silly me.
Apparently this is enough time. This is where I appear to be completely dumb. Fian is a fantastic lover that can fuck me in every way possible for as long as I could possibly imagine. He thrust his cock straight into me and fucked me hard and came in me in the 2 minutes available. As Fian instructed me to “Get up, get dressed and get going” I commented on how quickly he came. The answer…
“Karen, I could come that quick every time we fuck, I choose to control it.”
Oh. (I think I should probably be saying ‘D’oh’.)
On a completely different topic….
Constant nausea, abdominal pain, extreme forgetfulness and clumsiness (I call it the ‘dropsy’s’) and an overwhelming desire to nap all the time. Yup,it's all related to the baby that Fian and I are going to have. *Sigh* One day.
No, I'm not pregnant, but it is another step in our quest to have children together.
I have been on an anti-depressant for over three years and I thank the powers that it was there for me. Before I went on the medication life felt numb, dead – not sad, not happy, just flat. Nothing ever moved me to tears or to laughter. Pretty sad when you’ve got three beautiful kids all at that gorgeous toddler age. My ex blames everything that was wrong at that time of our marriage on my depression (and while it certainly didn’t help), I think the depression was partly triggered by a desperately loveless marriage.
Enough of the past. I read an article earlier in the year highlighting the fact that the biggest factor in a successful transition off anti-depressants was having a very strong support team. Yes, other things like complimentary health approaches, exercise and counselling were hugely important, but if the person had the support of a loving group of family or friends they were more likely to come off the medication and never need it again.
I now have that. I feel like this is the first time in fifteen years or more that I am loved unconditionally and that I have a group of people around me that truly want me to be the best that I can. This includes of course my Man Fian.
So…(boy I really took a long time to come to this didn’t I?!) I am right down to a tiny bit of medication as I ween myself (fairly quickly because I DON’T want to be on it if I fall pregnant). Hence the massive withdrawal/detox symptoms.
Of course I didn’t work out what was causing theses feelings straight away did I?! In addition to trying to ‘find myself’ and keep the kids/house/work/business/life moving I was worried that I had contracted some strange illness!!!! At 2am this morning I was wandering around the kitchen trying to think of a way to stop feeling so sick. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the packet of the medication.***BLING*** Mental light clicks on... A quick search on the net confirmed my idea. There were many others who had experienced the same thing as well as information from the company. I went to bed feeling, if not physically better, a lot better for knowing what was going on.
Of course what makes it all worthwhile is the immense joy I feel at being so loved by Fian, the occasional sadness when life happens and the fun of falling on the floor laughing with Fian and my kids after we have been dancing around the room to daggy music. To feel the full range of emotion is a blessing - one I don't intend to forget to say thanks for every single day.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The only one..
So after all my questioning and exploring (and some comments from some very clever people too!!), I think I have worked it out. The only one who I have to turn to for guidance on my submission is Fian.
So simple, yet it took me so long to figure it out. DUH... he's my Dom, my Man it's His wants, desires, pleasures and needs that I strive to fulfill. So if I have doubts about whether I am being all I can be in my submission, it is to Fian I should turn.
So I did.
And he basically (although not in quite the same words) wondered what took me so long to realise the answer! Grrrr, he knew all along what would work and help me, but was I let in on the secret?! Oh no, I had to muddle along, getting eye strain from staying up late reading every blog on the net and giving myself a bad dose of indigestion to boot. (well, I had to eat some snacks while I was up reading didn't I?)
AND....he is happy. Happy with me being a bit bratty (I tend to be kinda smart-assy funny when I'm being bratty) and happy to grow slowly in our relationship finding our way through sometimes foggy patches.
Last night Fian came over to my place after the kids were in bed and we did a bit of boring paperwork. Ho hum how boring. Luckily my night brightened up considerably after we had a shower and retired to the bedroom...
Fian's fingers were gently rippling over my skin, His touch was so light that at times I wasn't sure if He was touching me at all. Then, I had to close my eyes and focus my concentration on Him. Fian held his hands over my chest (but not touching it) I could feel the heat building in his palms and suddenly a scar on my chest bone started to burn and sting. Now that I was accutely aware of the energy and heat from Fian, he moved his hands to hover over other parts of my body. My whole concentration and being was focused on knowing where he was. As he moved he would ask me to put my hand up and touch his hand. Each time, (without looking) I knew straight away where he was. I love our connection.
This morning I could hear the kids stirring in their rooms and so we were trying to be quiet during our 'good morning' routine.{Wake up, kiss sleepily, roll over and cuddle and end up having extremely beautiful and often hard thrusting sex}. The huge mirror that I use as a headboard is still not attached to either the bed or the wall so it thumps during particularly energetic moments during our fucking - Not good when you are trying to be quiet. My solution? To get off the bed and stand at the end of it, bent over so my arse was exposed and my cunt ready for my Man. You should have seen his face! I think his solution was going to be to wait until tonight...
I like my solution better.
So simple, yet it took me so long to figure it out. DUH... he's my Dom, my Man it's His wants, desires, pleasures and needs that I strive to fulfill. So if I have doubts about whether I am being all I can be in my submission, it is to Fian I should turn.
So I did.
And he basically (although not in quite the same words) wondered what took me so long to realise the answer! Grrrr, he knew all along what would work and help me, but was I let in on the secret?! Oh no, I had to muddle along, getting eye strain from staying up late reading every blog on the net and giving myself a bad dose of indigestion to boot. (well, I had to eat some snacks while I was up reading didn't I?)
AND....he is happy. Happy with me being a bit bratty (I tend to be kinda smart-assy funny when I'm being bratty) and happy to grow slowly in our relationship finding our way through sometimes foggy patches.
Last night Fian came over to my place after the kids were in bed and we did a bit of boring paperwork. Ho hum how boring. Luckily my night brightened up considerably after we had a shower and retired to the bedroom...
Fian's fingers were gently rippling over my skin, His touch was so light that at times I wasn't sure if He was touching me at all. Then, I had to close my eyes and focus my concentration on Him. Fian held his hands over my chest (but not touching it) I could feel the heat building in his palms and suddenly a scar on my chest bone started to burn and sting. Now that I was accutely aware of the energy and heat from Fian, he moved his hands to hover over other parts of my body. My whole concentration and being was focused on knowing where he was. As he moved he would ask me to put my hand up and touch his hand. Each time, (without looking) I knew straight away where he was. I love our connection.
This morning I could hear the kids stirring in their rooms and so we were trying to be quiet during our 'good morning' routine.{Wake up, kiss sleepily, roll over and cuddle and end up having extremely beautiful and often hard thrusting sex}. The huge mirror that I use as a headboard is still not attached to either the bed or the wall so it thumps during particularly energetic moments during our fucking - Not good when you are trying to be quiet. My solution? To get off the bed and stand at the end of it, bent over so my arse was exposed and my cunt ready for my Man. You should have seen his face! I think his solution was going to be to wait until tonight...
I like my solution better.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Questioning my submission
No, I'm not questioning whether or not I should submit to Fian. That is beyond doubt - I have no doubts or fears over my love for Fian or fears about whether or not I give him my submission.
I've been doing some reading - reading other people's blogs of course and articles and 'how to's' and beginner's guides and fiction and and and .....
So now I am feeling very inadequate. I have all sorts of questions about my submission. Do I give to Fian enough? Am I truly submitting to his guidance in all areas of our relationship? Why do I act so bratty?
Fian looks after me so much. He truly believes that it is his responsibility to look after me and to be aware of how I am feeling.
Here is an example...
Fian and I have decided that we would like to have a child together. So, last week we went to the clinic and had my IUD removed. A couple of days later I start my period right on cue (I LOVE my body - it went straight onto it's regular cycle!). On the weekend we were out camping. We go hiking a fair bit and had wanted to finish a chain of mountains that we started a few weeks ago. Of course because I haven't had a period in a while I was feeling a little bit washed out (my body is doing a brilliant job of getting ready to conceive!). We were about 20 minutes into a hour and a half upwards climb when I had a huge cramp and flow. Fian was concerned and wanted to turn back but I insisted we go on. 10 minutes later I must have been looking a bit pale cause Fian then got totally stern with me and made me turn back.
Needless to say he was right - I really wasn't up to the walk, but was too stubborn to let "women's stuff" stop me. I'm so glad that Fian had the strength of will to make sure I was looked after when I was too stubbon to do it myself.
So why, when I am so blessed with this gorgeous, caring, strong, dominant Man am I so bratty and sometimes downright dismissive of what he has to say and of what he wants????
*Sigh* So lots of questions and no answers. I guess I just have to make an effort to do things that will please him, like getting off my backside and going over to his house to get some dinner going!!! (Actually I need to go there anyway cause I'm out of gas at my house and the kids and I need a shower and hot food!!!) LOL
Stay safe, play safe and enoy.
I've been doing some reading - reading other people's blogs of course and articles and 'how to's' and beginner's guides and fiction and and and .....
So now I am feeling very inadequate. I have all sorts of questions about my submission. Do I give to Fian enough? Am I truly submitting to his guidance in all areas of our relationship? Why do I act so bratty?
Fian looks after me so much. He truly believes that it is his responsibility to look after me and to be aware of how I am feeling.
Here is an example...
Fian and I have decided that we would like to have a child together. So, last week we went to the clinic and had my IUD removed. A couple of days later I start my period right on cue (I LOVE my body - it went straight onto it's regular cycle!). On the weekend we were out camping. We go hiking a fair bit and had wanted to finish a chain of mountains that we started a few weeks ago. Of course because I haven't had a period in a while I was feeling a little bit washed out (my body is doing a brilliant job of getting ready to conceive!). We were about 20 minutes into a hour and a half upwards climb when I had a huge cramp and flow. Fian was concerned and wanted to turn back but I insisted we go on. 10 minutes later I must have been looking a bit pale cause Fian then got totally stern with me and made me turn back.
Needless to say he was right - I really wasn't up to the walk, but was too stubborn to let "women's stuff" stop me. I'm so glad that Fian had the strength of will to make sure I was looked after when I was too stubbon to do it myself.
So why, when I am so blessed with this gorgeous, caring, strong, dominant Man am I so bratty and sometimes downright dismissive of what he has to say and of what he wants????
*Sigh* So lots of questions and no answers. I guess I just have to make an effort to do things that will please him, like getting off my backside and going over to his house to get some dinner going!!! (Actually I need to go there anyway cause I'm out of gas at my house and the kids and I need a shower and hot food!!!) LOL
Stay safe, play safe and enoy.
Really must get a clock
AAAGGGHHHHHH "Come on kids, quick, out to the car - Hurry Up" - school bags flying, school lunches hastily being made, breakfast being drunk rather than eaten and me - Mum with hair flying, spinning around the kitchen faster than a set of hyperactive helicopter blades!
Out the door, door shut over to the car, everyone gets bundled into the car, turn the key, power surges through the car's electrical system and through the tiny little wire that powers the tiny (but oh so important) little clock on the dash...OMG! We're an hour EARLY!!!!!
I still didn't really believe it because we've only just changed back off daylight savings, so I rang Fian at his house...
"What's the time?"
"1194" he says.
"Oh ok" I reply
Then after an embarrasing delay, I say "No, it can't be after 11 o'clock." and after an even more embarrasing delay, "That's a funny time, I don't understand how you can have 94 minutes in an hour".
The silence at the end of the phone was punctuated with what sounded suspiciously like the sound of the palm of a hand meeting a forehead.
"No, KD, that's the phone number to call to check the time."
There's only one answer to that statement... "Why do I need that, I just rang you!!!"
I think I heard that forehead smacking sound again but this time it sounded a lot more like Fian introducing his forehead to the kitchen bench.
So now the kids are back out of the car and I'm off back to the kitchen to clean up the mess made by that helicopter!
*sigh* I've really got to get a clock.
Out the door, door shut over to the car, everyone gets bundled into the car, turn the key, power surges through the car's electrical system and through the tiny little wire that powers the tiny (but oh so important) little clock on the dash...OMG! We're an hour EARLY!!!!!
I still didn't really believe it because we've only just changed back off daylight savings, so I rang Fian at his house...
"What's the time?"
"1194" he says.
"Oh ok" I reply
Then after an embarrasing delay, I say "No, it can't be after 11 o'clock." and after an even more embarrasing delay, "That's a funny time, I don't understand how you can have 94 minutes in an hour".
The silence at the end of the phone was punctuated with what sounded suspiciously like the sound of the palm of a hand meeting a forehead.
"No, KD, that's the phone number to call to check the time."
There's only one answer to that statement... "Why do I need that, I just rang you!!!"
I think I heard that forehead smacking sound again but this time it sounded a lot more like Fian introducing his forehead to the kitchen bench.
So now the kids are back out of the car and I'm off back to the kitchen to clean up the mess made by that helicopter!
*sigh* I've really got to get a clock.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
So to the future...
Last night Fian and I were at a business building seminar - here we were listening to a leader in our industry talk about the path that he and his wife took to their success. Now I know that people are different and that my personality is prone to procrastination and he is the type of personality that throughout his life if he wanted something he went out there and got it. I still got really frustrated because Fian and I aren't building our business as fast as I would like. Frustrated because I'm not an overnight success, frustrated because any delays in the development of my business is my own damn fault.
EEK I say to myself, I'm a submissive, why can't my Man just do all the work?!!!
"Well, (insert appropriate accent for the squeaky clean voice on my left shoulder) you know that Fian has a lot on his plate right now and is, after all only human. Doms aren't superhuman beings you know."
"Huh (again overlay an equally appropriate but devilishly wicked accent for the voice on my right shoulder), says He's a Man, says He will provide Huh..."
Ok, so maybe I am a little bit insane but maybe we all are. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am in conflict because when it comes down to it I am responsible for my own success and no one else is going to make a success of my life if I don't. Just because Fian is amazingly good at being my Man and sweeping me off my feet (usually to land on the bed!!!*wicked grin*) it doesn't mean that I can abrogate my part of the 50/50 partnership that we have.
*Sigh* I guess I'm looking for excuses and excuses are NEVER ok. Each time you make an excuse and give in to procrastination you are accelerating your progress in the opposite direction to that which your goals lie. So here I am in 'public' saying 'NO MORE'.
So Dom/Sub, Sub/Dom even though it washes into all aspects of our life and relationship we all have work to do and wanting to lie down and let someone else do all the work is not an option. Hmm, more exploration required.
EEK I say to myself, I'm a submissive, why can't my Man just do all the work?!!!
"Well, (insert appropriate accent for the squeaky clean voice on my left shoulder) you know that Fian has a lot on his plate right now and is, after all only human. Doms aren't superhuman beings you know."
"Huh (again overlay an equally appropriate but devilishly wicked accent for the voice on my right shoulder), says He's a Man, says He will provide Huh..."
Ok, so maybe I am a little bit insane but maybe we all are. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am in conflict because when it comes down to it I am responsible for my own success and no one else is going to make a success of my life if I don't. Just because Fian is amazingly good at being my Man and sweeping me off my feet (usually to land on the bed!!!*wicked grin*) it doesn't mean that I can abrogate my part of the 50/50 partnership that we have.
*Sigh* I guess I'm looking for excuses and excuses are NEVER ok. Each time you make an excuse and give in to procrastination you are accelerating your progress in the opposite direction to that which your goals lie. So here I am in 'public' saying 'NO MORE'.
So Dom/Sub, Sub/Dom even though it washes into all aspects of our life and relationship we all have work to do and wanting to lie down and let someone else do all the work is not an option. Hmm, more exploration required.
