Powerful Submission

D/S is a wonderfully complex component of the BDSM lifestyle. Tucked there in the middle of the acronym, caught up and interwoven into the other aspects. Bondage/Discipline, Dominant/Submissive, Sadism/Masochism.

The very visual nature of Bondage and Discipline or Sadism/Masochism makes them easily identifiable - it's very hard not to notice someone bound in an intricate embrace of cord (particularly if they happen to be hanging from the ceiling at the time! lol). A masocist bent over a table being whipped into a sexual or otherwise enjoyable frenzy by an equally satisfied sadist is also rather obvious.

But can you tell that the woman in the bank discussing a loan is being submissive to her Dom? Did you know that the couple in the car navigating their way through the city streets were actively engaging in a D/S scenario?

Huh?

Before I make a major decision, I talk with Fian. He helps me work through issues and makes sure I have thought things through thoroughly. Sometimes, He will guide me to a better decision, sometimes He lets me make my own mistakes, sometimes He will decide that I can't do whatever I was planning.

Do I always agree? No.

Do I always submit? No, but I am working on this.

Is He always right? No. But is anyone?

What is important is that my Man knows that I love Him, that I trust His ability to make decisions and to work through any consequences of these decisions.

I don't second guess Him, tell Him what to do or nit pick every decision He makes. This means I don't tell Him what to wear, how to drive, how to get where He is going or how to manage His work. I can offer suggestions, be a sounding board, ask questions to help Fian come to His decisions but in the end, Fian is the master of His life (which includes me).

There's probably something in this D/S thing that many vanilla relationships could benefit from if the women could pull their heads out of their overly feminist backsides and trust their men to know what they are doing. (Yeah I know, I'll get shouted down but I dare anyone to compare their relationship to mine and then come and tell me that I am letting the female side down! lol)

So, it may not be sexy, involve rope, clamps, whips, chains, dungeons or even a hint of punishment but it is central to our amazing relationship. So next time you are standing next to someone in the bank, you never know, they may be right in the middle of being submissive...without a hint of rope showing from beneath their clothes!!!!

It's been raining and cloudy and cold and yucky here. I have been feeling very down and the weather isn't helping. Last night I was in such a low place - very very sad and sinking further and further down towards a very black mood.

Fian tried to help me - He was such a wonderful friend, partner and lover as well as my Dom. I so wanted to do as He asked , but I couldn't do anything but cry. And cry I did - I was a great weeping, sobbing mess.

Then I felt a little better and went to sleep with magical dreams of Fian making love to me - I woke up to find that He was! (It's one of His favourite things to wake me in the night like this!) It was sweet, gentle and very vanilla love making - the perfect perscription for a sad subby.

This afternoon the sun has come out and stayed out for at least the past half hour!

Yay - it isn't a cure for my blues, but it does help a little.

So, now I'm off to an appointment and then, when I get home my Man will be home from work - another bright spot in my day!

May the sun be shining on all who read this.
KD

Phew I have made it to Friday night! How is it that a week can seem to fly past AND be really really long at the same time? I am very tired tonight – the week seems to have taken its toll on me.

You may have read Fian’s post about our full moon night earlier in the week – knowing that He needed a release and taking a lot of the emotion onto me as well as carrying the physical ‘brunt’ of that release is actually quite exhausting. I don’t really know that I have read a lot from other people about the level of physical endurance (apart from the pain endurance) that is necessary to engage in physical acts of submission.

What do I mean by “physical acts of submission”? To give up your body for use by another – to allow them to act out their fantasies, practice their art, wield their power, bring out your power, fulfil your fantasies and fuel your desire. I guess the ways in which our Doms do this are as many and as varied as there are Doms. I don’t really need to or intend to catalogue all of the various toys or tools which can be used nor the millions of ways which they can be employed. A simple search for “BDSM toys” will give you that!

The pain factor isn’t really what I am referring to either. We all have our limits and we all give as much as we can to please our Doms. In this I am no different – I give all I can give and Fian knows that this may be a different amount on any given day. Yes, the many ways that Fian will physically dominate me are the precursor to this need to have physical endurance but most of the things I have read stop here. What happens in the hours/days after. For those of us (and I am guessing it is more than a few) who have other aspects of their lives that can’t just be dropped because we are tired/sore/emotional/bruised/etc the reminders of our submission are carried through the next day/s.

Please don’t think that I am whinging here or that I am implying that I am being abused in any way by feeling after effects of acts that I willingly participate in. In all aspects of our relationship per BDSM Fian and I are Safe, Sane and Consensual – I am a willing submissive. So back to these submissive endurances.

When I woke up the morning after Fian’s very physical release the first thing I was aware of was His arm wrapped around me – right over an incredibly painful bruise coming up on my left arm. Crawling out of bed to get ready for the day I was tired from a late night and tired from giving a lot of emotional support to my Man, tired because my body had been used quite comprehensively (again I stress the fact that I willingly offered it up to be used and gain a LOT of enjoyment/satisfaction too) for a fair period of time just a few hours earlier. Throughout the day mind wanted to wander from the daily needs of family and work and I had to push the activities of the night before aside to focus – but each time I sat down, bumped my thighs, brushed my arm against my breast or I leaned my back against a wall I was taken back.

The next day you are less tired (unless you stayed up late again!) but still some lingering soreness remains. I know that after my first night at a public playspace with Fian I was tired for days – totally drained from the emotional/psychological experience as well as the physical sensations of pain and aching that follows a night like that.

Ok, so I am tired and I am sure that many other subs are tired – what of it? Fian and I are 24/7 in our Dom/sub roles and I am constantly in submission to Him (sometimes more successfully than others *grins* - my bratty nature gets me caught out sometimes!). But, these ‘after effects’ – the tiredness/tenderness/exhaustion/mental fatigue that can last for days are also acts of submission. They are things that we have to deal with during the activity of our daily routines. While we are looking after family, working, studying, recreating or exercising. So even if you are not physically with the Dom you are still carrying out a physical act of submission in enduring these after effects without totally falling apart if the rest of your life.

I feel proud to be Fian’s submissive, proud of my endurance and proud of the strength that so many submissives show. We carry the marks/effects of the gifts of submission we give to our Masters/Doms well after the bite of tool (whatever that may be) has passed.

I have PMT and there is no chocolate or potato crisps in the house....

There is a school of thought that says action is born of desperation. Well, some people are able to motivate themselves before the discomfort gets so high that the point of desperation is reached. I want to say that I am a motivated, driven person who took charge of my situation before I hit the desperation stakes, but, I would be lying. And, as I think I have mentioned before on this blog - there have been enough lies in the past couple of years.

Since separating from my ex-husband, I have lived in a dreamworld fantasy (read delusional) state that I am fine financially. I withdrew some supperanuation money and paid my rent for a year up front. I did this because I was scared that the pressure of being separated, the pressure of having lots of community (school mainly) backlash over my affair with Fian and generally fighting the depression which I have struggled with for almost 20 years would lead me to be less than able to cope. I thought that if at least I knew the kids and I would have a roof over our heads than things would be easier. And, to a point this was the right decision.

Of course now, that year is almost over. This morning, lying in my bed after being woken up by Fian's probing fingers and cock, followed by an amazingly beautiful fucking (and then He left me to go back to sleep!), the thought suddenly popped into my warm fuzzy brain that I currently don't have the finacial resources to pay the rent each week and to live any sort of comfortable lifestyle. Obviously I will pay my rent and feed/clothes/educate the kids without too much difficulty but anything after that - well, let's just say that there is panic looming like a very large truck without brakes on a very very steep mountain road.

So, that is the desperation component of the title. So what of the decision?

I have already mentioned that Fian and I run our own business in addition to our ‘day jobs’. This business has the potential to create enough income for us that these desperation points are a thing of the past.

Potential – what a deceptfully simple word. Everything has potential. A rock has the potential of momentum, but without an energy expenditure of a person pushing it, picking it up or kicking it it is just an inert object. Fian and I hold in our hands the potential to be financially free but without an expenditure of energy at best we have a good idea.

What then will turn this potentially profitable business into a viable source of stress-relieving income? Obviously energy – this rock needs to be pushed, kicked and picked up and thrown to create momentum. But energy isn’t created out of nothing – someone has to decide to kick the rock! Well, this morning I decided that desperation hurts. That being in a powerless state financially is not where I want to be.

I’ve shared my fears, pain and decision with Fian and He has endorsed my plans. We are going to expend the necessary energy, make the phone calls, see the people and keep on working until this thing is finished. IT’S NOT OVER UNTIL I HAVE WON!!!!!

That was the last time that fear and desperation ruin the wonderful sleepy after glow of being comprehensively fucked and pleasured while I am only half awake!!!

Yes I am still feeling scared but with my Man by my side to hold me, guide me and at times take me in hand and be very stern with me - this too will pass.

If as a woman I have a hormonal cycle that can affect my moods, weight and my skin, it is definitely plausible for me to have a submissive cycle that can affect my level of submissiveness, cheekiness and pain threshold.

I am certain that at some times of the month I am more submissive than at others. I’m not certain that this necessarily follows the same or even similar pattern as my feminine cycle but I do think that it follows a regular and almost predictable sequence.

For the past couple of weeks I have been alternating between feeling very down and feeling strong. Throughout these couple of weeks I have also been more independent. Not wishing to deliberately be less submissive, but taking space for me more and looking less to Fian for approval or endorsement of my ideas and actions. I have still wanted to be near Fian, to please Him and to pleasure Him. I just followed my own path more than I usually would.

Then, as the days follow one another in the week, I come back around to being very very in touch with my need to please Fian, my need to work under His guidance and to be subjected to His will.

Interestingly enough, my pain threshold is higher in the weeks were I am feeling more independent and so our physical play or scene’s increase during that time. I relish the sight of the bag of toys, want to feel Fian’s hand making my arse red and even desire the dreaded brand new riding crop. This period also heralds the time when I crave the salacious pleasures and tend towards being hedonistic, raw, earthy, smutty or even licentious (if only in my fantasies!!!) It’s in these times that I will long for others to join us in our play or to fulfill those fantasies that are whispered during the raw, earthy and hedonistic sex that we are busy engaging in! The exhibitionist in me starts trying to take the reigns and I wear clothing that is alluring and inviting – especially garments that highlight the curves of my body or cinch in my waist. If we were going to a club in this part of the series of submission then I guess I would be putty in Fian’s hands if He chose to demonstrate me in a physical fashion.

Swinging around the carousel of submissive conduct to the intensely ‘submitting-submissive’ aspect of kd, we come to the times (possibly weeks) where I am drawn closer to Fian. I long to be more under His cloak – if I were any closer when we are out together He would be wearing me! I practically leap into His arms at a loud noise or if I feel threatened. I am more likely to cry buckets of tears during a light spanking or to flinch if he draws a blade even near me. However, I long for Him to bring out His ropes and bind my body tight – to be adorned with His artful twists and turns of the rope and be held in the embrace of the cord. Here I am His “Precious Pet” and wait anxiously for His return from work. Kneeling in the middle of the bed for my Man to join me at night, calling to let Him know where I am, what I am doing - waiting for endorsement of ideas before carrying out anything that is not routine.

Of course there are transition phases and times when I’m not even consciously thinking about being submissive but know that I am His kd and that if I want to do anything out of the norm I will consult with Him first. I guess these are the days in the series where I am neither up nor down (Oh, bugger, now I have the Grand Ol’ Duke of York stuck in my head! lol) but am just on an even level.

So, that is a view of kd’s moods and behaviour and now, my Man has arrived home early so I am going to greet Him at the door.