Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Move over Rocky...
I'm a boxer! Well, I'm packing boxes anyway. This week the kids and I are packing in readiness for the move over the weekend!!!!
I can't believe that one year ago I moved into this house. It was an odd time of mixed emotions. There was sadness at leaving my husband whom I didn't love and hadn't been 'in-love' with for 10 years. There was a sense of excitment at finally stepping up and taking charge. There was anticipation and some anxiety because, when it was all said and done, I was leaving because I had fallen in love with someone else. I can try to gloss over that fact, but here it is in plain text (well HTML anyway). I fell in love with Fian and it gave me the impetus to leave a horrible, loveless, sexless (yes, sexless) relationship. he was a bully, and a bombastic bastard to me but I was totally and utterly cold in a sexual sense towards him and just let him walk all over me in every other sense. So, no blame to any one person - we were just horrible together.
The stress of everything totally got to me when I moved out and I came down with a monterous chest infection that left me exhausted and with broken ribs. When the kids were with their dad I stayed in bed all day doping myself to the eyeballs on codeine and sedatives. I avoided the world and slept for hours. Even seeing Fian was painful because He was still caught up trying to untangle Himself from what can only be described as an abusive relationship with a very mentally deranged woman. I didn't even know for sure if He was going to manage to leave and be with me.
That was a very dark time intersperesed with some incredibly bright moments.
Now, Fian and I are really beginning our life together. Soon Fian will be the head of our house - a house that has the two of us in it full time and five kids at varying times and hopefully one day more kids too. All our kids know we are moving in and have agreed in varying degrees to give it a go. Our ex's know and are doing whatever it is that they do or don't do to get over it. All that is left to do is pack boxes. Which I am doing now.
So, move over Rocky, I've got some boxing to do and nothing and noone is going to stand in the way of me and my goal. Cohabitation here we come!
I can't believe that one year ago I moved into this house. It was an odd time of mixed emotions. There was sadness at leaving my husband whom I didn't love and hadn't been 'in-love' with for 10 years. There was a sense of excitment at finally stepping up and taking charge. There was anticipation and some anxiety because, when it was all said and done, I was leaving because I had fallen in love with someone else. I can try to gloss over that fact, but here it is in plain text (well HTML anyway). I fell in love with Fian and it gave me the impetus to leave a horrible, loveless, sexless (yes, sexless) relationship. he was a bully, and a bombastic bastard to me but I was totally and utterly cold in a sexual sense towards him and just let him walk all over me in every other sense. So, no blame to any one person - we were just horrible together.
The stress of everything totally got to me when I moved out and I came down with a monterous chest infection that left me exhausted and with broken ribs. When the kids were with their dad I stayed in bed all day doping myself to the eyeballs on codeine and sedatives. I avoided the world and slept for hours. Even seeing Fian was painful because He was still caught up trying to untangle Himself from what can only be described as an abusive relationship with a very mentally deranged woman. I didn't even know for sure if He was going to manage to leave and be with me.
That was a very dark time intersperesed with some incredibly bright moments.
Now, Fian and I are really beginning our life together. Soon Fian will be the head of our house - a house that has the two of us in it full time and five kids at varying times and hopefully one day more kids too. All our kids know we are moving in and have agreed in varying degrees to give it a go. Our ex's know and are doing whatever it is that they do or don't do to get over it. All that is left to do is pack boxes. Which I am doing now.
So, move over Rocky, I've got some boxing to do and nothing and noone is going to stand in the way of me and my goal. Cohabitation here we come!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
My Man has rhythm!
Well, in His heart at least! Yay! So the colour is returning to His cheeks (His face looks good too) and the spring has returned to His step.
Yes, the sun is out and Fian is better.
Yesterday I spent the day at my favourite markets with the kids. There are so many interesting people to sit and chat to there, so of course I don't need much encouraging to do just that. I made new friends, continued to grow other recent friendships and watched my kids do exactly the same. Fian and His kids joined us for a while but the pre-adolescent abhorrence of anything of a social nature led to an earlier departure than my clan. So we stayed and played to the beat of the drums. (We really did play - you should see the fairy house we built in the bush!)
Today I am sorting through things in the house - putting them back in the rooms they belong in and generally doing a pre-sort before the kids and I pack everything into boxes in two weeks time. Yes, the move is getting closer!
This week I am a free woman - I don't have to work until Thursday and the kids are at their dad's house. I would love to go away on a little break, but I know that Fian will be left behind which doesn't seem right. So any suggestions on how to keep myself busy for the start of the week? If I don't get out of the house in the morning, I tend to mope around and just surf the net and then generally get myself into a slump. I don't want to slump.
Well, that's a generally chatty update - I would love to tell you about our 'wow, that was even better than eating a whole block of G&B's chocolate' sex, or the high class kink-in-your-face function we went to or even that there has been developments in the D/S thing, but there wasn't any of that this week. This is the reality of having a relationship, family, life and work.
So my quote for today:
Yes, the sun is out and Fian is better.
Yesterday I spent the day at my favourite markets with the kids. There are so many interesting people to sit and chat to there, so of course I don't need much encouraging to do just that. I made new friends, continued to grow other recent friendships and watched my kids do exactly the same. Fian and His kids joined us for a while but the pre-adolescent abhorrence of anything of a social nature led to an earlier departure than my clan. So we stayed and played to the beat of the drums. (We really did play - you should see the fairy house we built in the bush!)
Today I am sorting through things in the house - putting them back in the rooms they belong in and generally doing a pre-sort before the kids and I pack everything into boxes in two weeks time. Yes, the move is getting closer!
This week I am a free woman - I don't have to work until Thursday and the kids are at their dad's house. I would love to go away on a little break, but I know that Fian will be left behind which doesn't seem right. So any suggestions on how to keep myself busy for the start of the week? If I don't get out of the house in the morning, I tend to mope around and just surf the net and then generally get myself into a slump. I don't want to slump.
Well, that's a generally chatty update - I would love to tell you about our 'wow, that was even better than eating a whole block of G&B's chocolate' sex, or the high class kink-in-your-face function we went to or even that there has been developments in the D/S thing, but there wasn't any of that this week. This is the reality of having a relationship, family, life and work.
So my quote for today:
Life goes on even when you are kinky.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Full Moon in August
Today is the Full Moon. It represents a cycle, not of hormonal levels but of a truly significant and blissful occurance.
12 Moons ago exactly KD and I chose one another under a large and full moon. We made choices that will see us join lives and love into a single luminous whole.
The intervening year has been full of self discovery and realisation of each others wants and needs. The fact that we still seem to be so in love with each other bodes well for the next 40 years. (over to KD)
Those of you who know our full story (ie those who have read the archives!) will know that we walk a path that is at times full of pain and emotional yuck. Through all of the murk we have remained strong and true to each other, comitted to our relationship and sure in the knowledge that our partnership is going to last.
Each full moon we have looked back to wonder at where we started out and to celebrate how far we have come. Tonight under the full moon (or at least in sight of the moon - it's cold here right now!) we will reaffirm our choice and look forward in wonder at what lies ahead of us:
12 Moons ago exactly KD and I chose one another under a large and full moon. We made choices that will see us join lives and love into a single luminous whole.
The intervening year has been full of self discovery and realisation of each others wants and needs. The fact that we still seem to be so in love with each other bodes well for the next 40 years. (over to KD)
Those of you who know our full story (ie those who have read the archives!) will know that we walk a path that is at times full of pain and emotional yuck. Through all of the murk we have remained strong and true to each other, comitted to our relationship and sure in the knowledge that our partnership is going to last.
Each full moon we have looked back to wonder at where we started out and to celebrate how far we have come. Tonight under the full moon (or at least in sight of the moon - it's cold here right now!) we will reaffirm our choice and look forward in wonder at what lies ahead of us:
- Last week we signed the lease on a house where we will all (yup, including the kids) can live together. We move in on the 28th August. What a way to start a new year together!
- We are actively trying to conceive a child to join our family - stay tuned for updates.
- We will continue to explore Dominance and submission and how it is intertwined in our partnership.
- Creating a business to release us from our jobs so we can spend our days (and nights!) together.
- Holidays and visits from friends (the new house will have room for our wonderful friends to come and stay - hint hint).
So, at around 9pm EST (midday in the UK) we invite you all to raise a glass in honour of the Full Moon in August and to our anniversary. Cheers!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Service
My Man is unwell and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I feel powerless in as much as I can't make Him better. I can help Him, serve Him, look after Him and love Him so I am not helpless. But I do feel at a loss.
He has a heart condition that appears from nowhere. Since we've been together it hasn't really appeared before. So this is my first experience of it. At first I was really worried and panicky. So much so that last night I sat up watching Him sleep for ages and then when I did get to sleep was really restless. Today Fian had to reassure me that He would be fine and the He needs me to be emotionally strong. So I am. (I still hate seeing Him so tired and listless).
Under Fian's request, I have to be strong and take less direction from Him. I am still His submissive, but I have to take the lead a little, make decisions so He doesn't have to and take the best care of Him that I can. That is one request I don't have any hesitation in complying with!
GET WELL SOON MY LOVE!
He has a heart condition that appears from nowhere. Since we've been together it hasn't really appeared before. So this is my first experience of it. At first I was really worried and panicky. So much so that last night I sat up watching Him sleep for ages and then when I did get to sleep was really restless. Today Fian had to reassure me that He would be fine and the He needs me to be emotionally strong. So I am. (I still hate seeing Him so tired and listless).
Under Fian's request, I have to be strong and take less direction from Him. I am still His submissive, but I have to take the lead a little, make decisions so He doesn't have to and take the best care of Him that I can. That is one request I don't have any hesitation in complying with!
GET WELL SOON MY LOVE!
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Cherish the love
A digression off submission.
cher·ish
tr.v. cher·ished, cher·ish·ing, cher·ish·es
To treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear: cherish one's family; fine rugs that are cherished by their owners.
To keep fondly in mind; entertain: cherish a memory.
(Thank you www.dictionary.com )
It sounds nice doesn’t it? In the days when I was lost and unloved in the foggy moors of a loveless marriage (yes, I know I let out my inner drama queen) I used to wish to be cherished by someone. It almost became my mantra. On the loneliest days when I would be sitting in a silent house after the kids had gone to bed I would wish for someone who would cherish me and treat me well.
Why am I pondering this word? Well, believe it or not it all comes down to self love. Sometimes in the depths of depression, the merest suggestion of the concept of self love is unbelievably harrowing. To even begin to try to love myself let alone cherish myself will usually set off the self hatred internal car alarm.
The what?
You know how annoying car alarms are with that repetitive howl? Imagine then the disturbance that a self hatred internal car alarm (set off by any attempts to car jack the depression vehicle through the use of positive affirmations or proactive attempts of self love) can be. A howling siren - “I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself…..”
Recently I have found myself using the word ‘cherish’ as a mantra again. Not because I am not cherished by Fian, for, if you have read this blog for longer than one post, you will know that I am cherished beyond any doubt. No, what I long for is to be able to say that I truly cherish myself.
I find when I am really down and fighting for air through the thick blanket of blackness that I long to love myself. I don’t like feeling as though I am my own worst enemy.
It sounds harsh doesn’t it? To be your own enemy. But, if I don’t cherish myself and even the thought of it seems to be blocked from my psyche, what else is there. Look at the antonyms for cherish: Denounce, despise, hate, not care, reject. All these are words that I have felt towards myself. All are words that engender enmity.
(No not enema {yup, still have to have some sort of sense of humour through all of this lol}) Actually, psychological enema would probably do me the world of good – flush all of the shit out of my head.
My goal then is to see myself in the eyes of another – To see me as Fian does. I am looking at Him now as I type (he says I’m showing off by not looking at the keyboard!) and I can see all of the synonyms for the word ‘cherish’ in His eyes.
Yes, He truly does admire, adore, appreciate, apprize, care for, clasp, cleave to, cling to, coddle, comfort, cosset, cultivate, defend, dote on, embrace, encourage, enshrine, entertain, fancy, fondle, foster, guard, harbor, hold dear, honor, hug, idolize, imagine, like, love, nourish, nurse, nurture, pet, preserve, prize, revere, reverence, safeguard, shelter, shield, support, sustain, treasure, value, venerate and even worship me.
If only I could feel even one of these about myself, I would be on the right track.
cher·ish
tr.v. cher·ished, cher·ish·ing, cher·ish·es
To treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear: cherish one's family; fine rugs that are cherished by their owners.
To keep fondly in mind; entertain: cherish a memory.
(Thank you www.dictionary.com )
It sounds nice doesn’t it? In the days when I was lost and unloved in the foggy moors of a loveless marriage (yes, I know I let out my inner drama queen) I used to wish to be cherished by someone. It almost became my mantra. On the loneliest days when I would be sitting in a silent house after the kids had gone to bed I would wish for someone who would cherish me and treat me well.
Why am I pondering this word? Well, believe it or not it all comes down to self love. Sometimes in the depths of depression, the merest suggestion of the concept of self love is unbelievably harrowing. To even begin to try to love myself let alone cherish myself will usually set off the self hatred internal car alarm.
The what?
You know how annoying car alarms are with that repetitive howl? Imagine then the disturbance that a self hatred internal car alarm (set off by any attempts to car jack the depression vehicle through the use of positive affirmations or proactive attempts of self love) can be. A howling siren - “I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself…..”
Recently I have found myself using the word ‘cherish’ as a mantra again. Not because I am not cherished by Fian, for, if you have read this blog for longer than one post, you will know that I am cherished beyond any doubt. No, what I long for is to be able to say that I truly cherish myself.
I find when I am really down and fighting for air through the thick blanket of blackness that I long to love myself. I don’t like feeling as though I am my own worst enemy.
It sounds harsh doesn’t it? To be your own enemy. But, if I don’t cherish myself and even the thought of it seems to be blocked from my psyche, what else is there. Look at the antonyms for cherish: Denounce, despise, hate, not care, reject. All these are words that I have felt towards myself. All are words that engender enmity.
(No not enema {yup, still have to have some sort of sense of humour through all of this lol}) Actually, psychological enema would probably do me the world of good – flush all of the shit out of my head.
My goal then is to see myself in the eyes of another – To see me as Fian does. I am looking at Him now as I type (he says I’m showing off by not looking at the keyboard!) and I can see all of the synonyms for the word ‘cherish’ in His eyes.
Yes, He truly does admire, adore, appreciate, apprize, care for, clasp, cleave to, cling to, coddle, comfort, cosset, cultivate, defend, dote on, embrace, encourage, enshrine, entertain, fancy, fondle, foster, guard, harbor, hold dear, honor, hug, idolize, imagine, like, love, nourish, nurse, nurture, pet, preserve, prize, revere, reverence, safeguard, shelter, shield, support, sustain, treasure, value, venerate and even worship me.
If only I could feel even one of these about myself, I would be on the right track.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Three things
Three simple things I have learnt this week.
1. Kneeling at my Man's feet taking off His shoes and socks, trousers and shirt before kissing Him gently on His cock makes me feel like I am treating Him well and makes Him feel wonderfully loved and adored.
2. Taking somebody you love for granted means that you miss out on the joy of actively giving and receiving love.
3. Picking up the telephone or writing a letter to keep in touch with friends is so so so worth the time and effort.
1. Kneeling at my Man's feet taking off His shoes and socks, trousers and shirt before kissing Him gently on His cock makes me feel like I am treating Him well and makes Him feel wonderfully loved and adored.
2. Taking somebody you love for granted means that you miss out on the joy of actively giving and receiving love.
3. Picking up the telephone or writing a letter to keep in touch with friends is so so so worth the time and effort.
