Powerful Submission

New look template - the black was too depressing.
Ok yes, here I go. Righto I can do this.

Well, I don’t know what I can say – I don’t feel like I have been a very good sub nor even to be honest a very good partner. I think it is one of those swings and roundabouts that I posted about a while ago. Life has gotten in the way and perhaps this is valid and perhaps it isn’t. I guess if I am honest, I am letting my submissiveness take a back seat (which somehow seems an appropriate description for where submissiveness goes! It isn’t really going to sit in the front seat is it?)

Demanding and bossy is what I have been. Not looking to Fian for guidance or leadership but just letting my mouth run off, letting anger or frustration take over. It’s as though I am becoming the antithesis of what I desire to be. So my question is: How do I maintain my strength and my ability to cope with all of the stuff that is going on and then let myself be soft and willing to be lead? I feel like if I let go a little I am going to lose it all. Lose myself, lose the fight and just lose control.

I love my life I really do, I love Fian and I LOVE our life together. It’s the rest of the stuff – the battles over kids with the ex’s, property battles and working so hard to get ahead in life. Life is a constant struggle and I feel like I am not good enough to maintain the battle.

Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up” just came on – ah ok, sometimes inspiration comes from the least expected places. I’m not usually one for putting lyrics on the blog, but well, just for once.

Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong

Now, back to how to I get back to my place where I belong? My place at his feet.

When life gets too full, something has to give and recently it has had to be blogging. Fian and I have moved out of our houses into one big house for all of us, started to have some success in business which has meant lots to do, been trying to conceive a baby AND we’ve been sick.

I can’t even begin to describe the past week nor can I describe the exhaustion that seems to be taking hold of me tonight. Our new house has boxes everywhere, the kids beds are not put together (luckily the kids are all at their other parent’s houses) and I am sitting on my bed blogging and updating my long overdue posts on an internet board. Yes, I should be out there unpacking but I don’t want to and to Fian’s credit He is leaving me be.

We are having a couple of hours alone time. Fian is up building beds and I am having some down time. Following a pretty intense psychological/therapy/healing session on Friday I am having a bit of a reaction so I am, I guess to put it lightly, a bit irritable. During the session I worked through some anger incidents that have triggered a pattern of thought and behaviour over my life. Addressing these incidents and resolving them it frees me up for rapid growth and development both personally and spiritually. However, it’s pretty intense and you tend to have a reaction of the type of emotion or behaviour that you worked on. SO I am irritable and quick to anger at the moment and Fian has never seen this in me. It is, (I believe) pretty confronting as this was a common behaviour pattern in His ex-wife, but a totally out of character pattern in me. Thank goodness a reaction only lasts a few days.

This sort of behaviour is challenging in a D/s sense too because I have been critical, questioned His authority and decisions, been snappy and belligerent. All great attitudes in a sub…NOT!!!

However, Fian is the head of this household and even though I may be a bit off the mark right now, I still look up to Him, love Him unconditionally and trust Him totally.

So, yes, we are still around and yes we are still Dom and sub but the physical submission/play activity is a bit quiet right now. It takes a lot of energy and a bit of planning and at the moment our energy and planning is being directed towards achieving financial freedom. I’m not worried, we will come back to the physical when the time is right. Fian still has total access to my body as He wishes and He takes advantage of this fully as and when He sees fit. He sees fit a lot - I am such a lucky girl.