Powerful Submission

What does love look like?

2006-12-16T21:04:00.000+11:00

Well, today I have a short but important post for you...

What does love look like?

1. A litte figure in outline on a monitor above my head - a perfect, gorgeous healthy baby boy who will join our family in May.

2. The beautiful grey hair of my Man against the skin of my belly as he rests His head against His son's temple.

3. Three little people staring at a screen and experiencing their first realisation that they are going to meet their baby brother next year.

4. Tears in my Man's eyes as He talks to His kids and hopes that they will love their baby brother as He loves them.

(Ok this is a sound but anyway) 5. The tired footsteps of my Man as He comes home from a second job late at night. Tired and exhausted trying to do His best for all of those under His charge me and mine included.

Open

2006-11-19T14:45:00.000+11:00

For those of you who know me, you’d know that I was in an unhappy marriage when I met Fian. Well, this week I officially got divorced. I originally drafted this blog with a whole lot of ancient history about the wrongs of our relationship, the horrible things my ex did, my faults in the marriage and the absolutely crap sex life. But I have cut and deleted most of that - all that remains is the final paragraphs. This I think is what is important and relevant. I conducted the archeological dig on the ancient ruins and found these treasures of truth that can help in the future. After all, isn't that what history is about? To look back and learn the lessons to carry through into the future?

So here are the final paragraphs of the orginal post I spent two days writing.

I didn’t know how to let myself be loved. Didn’t feel worthy to be loved, didn’t like myself, let alone my husband. How could my heart survive when it didn’t really know what it was to be loved by the most important person – me?

How can we truly allow ourselves to be loved?

To do this you need to have an open heart, a loving heart. Be open to love and self acceptance. A healthy loving heart allows your spirit to revel in physical pleasures without the repercussions of guilt, or recrimination. When the heart is open to love it is open to receive blessings of the spirit as well as the blessing of finding someone who is open to loving you.

Fian and I have open hearts. We are open to the blessings that life brings us - receptive to the true love we have for each other, open to exploring what physical pleasures make us feel joyful, accepting of the new situations we find ourselves in and reveling in our roles with Dom/sub.

Open your hearts, look in the mirror with love, revel in the pleasure of the flesh, nourish your spirit with acceptance of your enjoyment, not guilt. You are all wonderful, worthy people who deserve to be loved.

Keeping Nice

2006-11-03T14:41:00.000+11:00

Well, another long time between posts. What I have discovered is that although on the surface Fian and I cope really well with the stress from our ex's and all that stuff, it exhausts us. We are tired and use all our energy on each other and the kids so the blogs suffer.

Just thought I'd let you know.

About a Man

2006-10-22T21:27:00.000+10:00

Today I found myself at a training session (it’s Sunday) with a group of wonderful women sharing learning and companionship. While I found myself there, Fian found himself at home with 5 kids of various ages, all in various stages of settling into the new house and all with various needs.

What a Man! This is one of the sexiest aspects of Fian – He can take control of all or our kids, play games with them, discipline them and hand out hugs and kisses to all that need them. It is so Manly! I know, it’s not what people usually think of when thinking of sexy attributes, but hey, I have learnt not to live by other people’s rules (except of course Fian’s!)

What else can I tell you about Him? That when I catch sight of Him walking into or out of the room I still get butterflies? That the curve of his arse in blue jeans and the gorgeous lines of his back and shoulders in a white t-shirt make my tummy do flip flops and send shivers down my spine? That my favourite time of the day is when he undresses and I get to savour the sheer delight of him? Of course there is the way He turns and I see a particular look on His face that says I am going to have some ‘tasks’ to do – oh my. You know, I just realized I have told you very little about Fian and a lot about me and how I work!! Oh well.

You know, I intend to feel this way for the rest of my life. I know that life does change and our life will always have variables that we cannot control but throughout all of this I will love Him, honour Him and obey Him.

Submission as an antidote for poison

2006-10-03T21:11:00.000+10:00

Have you ever sat back from a group of people and watched what takes place? Because I am basically on the fringe of a group of people that I have association with I have the privilege of being able to watch and learn as this group goes through its existence.

This group seemed to be a relatively harmonious crowd on first viewing, all existing within a small community based around a mutual interest. As I learnt more about the personalities of the people in the group I realized more and more that the harmony may have been based either on fear or intense peacekeeping activity. Soon I noticed little cliques based around looks, money or the level or purity to which the people in the clique considered themselves in regards to the particular interest of this community. What was far more disturbing than the cliques were the people who seemed to move amongst the various groups, cliques and then individuals creating disharmony.

Some communities have radicals. Those people who are so passionately committed to a particular cause or belief that they will move amongst a community either encouraging others to join them in their belief or encouraging dissent against the current popular regime or common belief. Radicals, although thorns in the side for many are not as harmful as the type of individuals that I witnessed in this community – the Poisoner.

Some people are poisonous. They are so damaged emotionally or psychologically from events in their life, their interactions with people, whilst seemingly benign, slowly and systematically get into the bloodstream of the group and poison the energy and life. Before you know it, there are cracks appearing in otherwise previously strong friendships. Gossip has generally begun to spread and soon anger and ill feeling is at the centre of the group energy and gangrene has taken over anyone on the extremities.

If by some unfortunate circumstance an individual either stands up to or inadvertently steps on the poisonous toes then they will end up squarely in the sights of the poison arrow. Small disagreements are blown completely out of proportion and then moving throughout the community the poisonous person ensures that one and only one side of the story is told…theirs.

Often playing the victim, poisonous people blame everyone else for their problems. In fact, not only do they blame others, but they feel the need to ensure that as many other people as possible also share their belief. Once someone has been allocated blame or guilt, the campaign begins in earnest. Regardless of what the offence or whether someone is guilty or not the word will be spread in a vicious game of Chinese whispers that the “poor Poisoner” has is so hard and it’s all “insert name of victim’s” fault. Often punctuated by crying, sighs, earnest conversations ending in endless sympathetic cups of tea and yet another fallen victim to add to the list of the poisoned.

This is not to say that the victim is ever blameless, but if, they in fact have done an injury to the Poisoner, their fate is even more securely sealed. Sealed with a poisonous kiss. Now, with concrete proof of their injury the poisonous one will move swiftly throughout her previous company weeping a tear with each piece of evidence lain on the table. Their destruction will be complete, the pity they receive lavish and another victim will lie in agony dying a slow social death as the poison seeps through the energy systems of the group.

Is there any hope? How can an individual or group recover from such activity?
Restitution lies in the same path as for any action that harms another. If the victim did indeed cause the poisonous one some slight then they need to apologise and ask for forgiveness. Then if they have made a genuine apology and done their best to made amends, any action on the poisonous part is not theirs to own. Go on with their life, live as good life as possible, keep their nose clean and as much as possible remember the lesson so they never make another feel the way they have been made to feel. Wishy washy? Yeah probably, but retribution, revenge or ranting and raving are, as I have witnessed, painful, pitiful and pointless. Remember, the community opinion of you is already low – why affirm this point of view with poor behaviour.

So, that is today’s lesson on social politics – probably nothing to do with submission, but then again as you may have guessed, I was one of the Poisoner’s early targets and have sat back and watch the pattern repeat itself since my own horrible experience. What a lesson to go through but wow have I grown from it and in fact, learnt to turn to Fian as well throughout the episode. He knows what will help the most and His advice was invaluable through it all. Now, I know that I can turn to Him in any circumstance. So maybe this was about submission after all.

Where does submissiveness go when it hasn't got anywhere to hide?

2006-09-28T19:19:00.002+10:00

New look template - the black was too depressing.
Ok yes, here I go. Righto I can do this.

Well, I don’t know what I can say – I don’t feel like I have been a very good sub nor even to be honest a very good partner. I think it is one of those swings and roundabouts that I posted about a while ago. Life has gotten in the way and perhaps this is valid and perhaps it isn’t. I guess if I am honest, I am letting my submissiveness take a back seat (which somehow seems an appropriate description for where submissiveness goes! It isn’t really going to sit in the front seat is it?)

Demanding and bossy is what I have been. Not looking to Fian for guidance or leadership but just letting my mouth run off, letting anger or frustration take over. It’s as though I am becoming the antithesis of what I desire to be. So my question is: How do I maintain my strength and my ability to cope with all of the stuff that is going on and then let myself be soft and willing to be lead? I feel like if I let go a little I am going to lose it all. Lose myself, lose the fight and just lose control.

I love my life I really do, I love Fian and I LOVE our life together. It’s the rest of the stuff – the battles over kids with the ex’s, property battles and working so hard to get ahead in life. Life is a constant struggle and I feel like I am not good enough to maintain the battle.

Peter Gabriel’s “Don’t Give Up” just came on – ah ok, sometimes inspiration comes from the least expected places. I’m not usually one for putting lyrics on the blog, but well, just for once.

Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe there’s the a place
There’s a place where we belong

Now, back to how to I get back to my place where I belong? My place at his feet.

Busy Busy Busy

2006-09-04T22:18:00.000+10:00

When life gets too full, something has to give and recently it has had to be blogging. Fian and I have moved out of our houses into one big house for all of us, started to have some success in business which has meant lots to do, been trying to conceive a baby AND we’ve been sick.

I can’t even begin to describe the past week nor can I describe the exhaustion that seems to be taking hold of me tonight. Our new house has boxes everywhere, the kids beds are not put together (luckily the kids are all at their other parent’s houses) and I am sitting on my bed blogging and updating my long overdue posts on an internet board. Yes, I should be out there unpacking but I don’t want to and to Fian’s credit He is leaving me be.

We are having a couple of hours alone time. Fian is up building beds and I am having some down time. Following a pretty intense psychological/therapy/healing session on Friday I am having a bit of a reaction so I am, I guess to put it lightly, a bit irritable. During the session I worked through some anger incidents that have triggered a pattern of thought and behaviour over my life. Addressing these incidents and resolving them it frees me up for rapid growth and development both personally and spiritually. However, it’s pretty intense and you tend to have a reaction of the type of emotion or behaviour that you worked on. SO I am irritable and quick to anger at the moment and Fian has never seen this in me. It is, (I believe) pretty confronting as this was a common behaviour pattern in His ex-wife, but a totally out of character pattern in me. Thank goodness a reaction only lasts a few days.

This sort of behaviour is challenging in a D/s sense too because I have been critical, questioned His authority and decisions, been snappy and belligerent. All great attitudes in a sub…NOT!!!

However, Fian is the head of this household and even though I may be a bit off the mark right now, I still look up to Him, love Him unconditionally and trust Him totally.

So, yes, we are still around and yes we are still Dom and sub but the physical submission/play activity is a bit quiet right now. It takes a lot of energy and a bit of planning and at the moment our energy and planning is being directed towards achieving financial freedom. I’m not worried, we will come back to the physical when the time is right. Fian still has total access to my body as He wishes and He takes advantage of this fully as and when He sees fit. He sees fit a lot - I am such a lucky girl.

Move over Rocky...

2006-08-23T11:26:00.000+10:00

I'm a boxer! Well, I'm packing boxes anyway. This week the kids and I are packing in readiness for the move over the weekend!!!!

I can't believe that one year ago I moved into this house. It was an odd time of mixed emotions. There was sadness at leaving my husband whom I didn't love and hadn't been 'in-love' with for 10 years. There was a sense of excitment at finally stepping up and taking charge. There was anticipation and some anxiety because, when it was all said and done, I was leaving because I had fallen in love with someone else. I can try to gloss over that fact, but here it is in plain text (well HTML anyway). I fell in love with Fian and it gave me the impetus to leave a horrible, loveless, sexless (yes, sexless) relationship. he was a bully, and a bombastic bastard to me but I was totally and utterly cold in a sexual sense towards him and just let him walk all over me in every other sense. So, no blame to any one person - we were just horrible together.

The stress of everything totally got to me when I moved out and I came down with a monterous chest infection that left me exhausted and with broken ribs. When the kids were with their dad I stayed in bed all day doping myself to the eyeballs on codeine and sedatives. I avoided the world and slept for hours. Even seeing Fian was painful because He was still caught up trying to untangle Himself from what can only be described as an abusive relationship with a very mentally deranged woman. I didn't even know for sure if He was going to manage to leave and be with me.

That was a very dark time intersperesed with some incredibly bright moments.

Now, Fian and I are really beginning our life together. Soon Fian will be the head of our house - a house that has the two of us in it full time and five kids at varying times and hopefully one day more kids too. All our kids know we are moving in and have agreed in varying degrees to give it a go. Our ex's know and are doing whatever it is that they do or don't do to get over it. All that is left to do is pack boxes. Which I am doing now.

So, move over Rocky, I've got some boxing to do and nothing and noone is going to stand in the way of me and my goal. Cohabitation here we come!

My Man has rhythm!

2006-08-13T11:44:00.000+10:00

Well, in His heart at least! Yay! So the colour is returning to His cheeks (His face looks good too) and the spring has returned to His step.

Yes, the sun is out and Fian is better.

Yesterday I spent the day at my favourite markets with the kids. There are so many interesting people to sit and chat to there, so of course I don't need much encouraging to do just that. I made new friends, continued to grow other recent friendships and watched my kids do exactly the same. Fian and His kids joined us for a while but the pre-adolescent abhorrence of anything of a social nature led to an earlier departure than my clan. So we stayed and played to the beat of the drums. (We really did play - you should see the fairy house we built in the bush!)

Today I am sorting through things in the house - putting them back in the rooms they belong in and generally doing a pre-sort before the kids and I pack everything into boxes in two weeks time. Yes, the move is getting closer!

This week I am a free woman - I don't have to work until Thursday and the kids are at their dad's house. I would love to go away on a little break, but I know that Fian will be left behind which doesn't seem right. So any suggestions on how to keep myself busy for the start of the week? If I don't get out of the house in the morning, I tend to mope around and just surf the net and then generally get myself into a slump. I don't want to slump.

Well, that's a generally chatty update - I would love to tell you about our 'wow, that was even better than eating a whole block of G&B's chocolate' sex, or the high class kink-in-your-face function we went to or even that there has been developments in the D/S thing, but there wasn't any of that this week. This is the reality of having a relationship, family, life and work.

So my quote for today:

Life goes on even when you are kinky.

Full Moon in August

2006-08-09T12:28:00.000+10:00

Today is the Full Moon. It represents a cycle, not of hormonal levels but of a truly significant and blissful occurance.

12 Moons ago exactly KD and I chose one another under a large and full moon. We made choices that will see us join lives and love into a single luminous whole.

The intervening year has been full of self discovery and realisation of each others wants and needs. The fact that we still seem to be so in love with each other bodes well for the next 40 years. (over to KD)

Those of you who know our full story (ie those who have read the archives!) will know that we walk a path that is at times full of pain and emotional yuck. Through all of the murk we have remained strong and true to each other, comitted to our relationship and sure in the knowledge that our partnership is going to last.

Each full moon we have looked back to wonder at where we started out and to celebrate how far we have come. Tonight under the full moon (or at least in sight of the moon - it's cold here right now!) we will reaffirm our choice and look forward in wonder at what lies ahead of us:

Last week we signed the lease on a house where we will all (yup, including the kids) can live together. We move in on the 28th August. What a way to start a new year together!
We are actively trying to conceive a child to join our family - stay tuned for updates.
We will continue to explore Dominance and submission and how it is intertwined in our partnership.
Creating a business to release us from our jobs so we can spend our days (and nights!) together.
Holidays and visits from friends (the new house will have room for our wonderful friends to come and stay - hint hint).

So, at around 9pm EST (midday in the UK) we invite you all to raise a glass in honour of the Full Moon in August and to our anniversary. Cheers!

Service

2006-08-06T19:48:00.000+10:00

My Man is unwell and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I feel powerless in as much as I can't make Him better. I can help Him, serve Him, look after Him and love Him so I am not helpless. But I do feel at a loss.

He has a heart condition that appears from nowhere. Since we've been together it hasn't really appeared before. So this is my first experience of it. At first I was really worried and panicky. So much so that last night I sat up watching Him sleep for ages and then when I did get to sleep was really restless. Today Fian had to reassure me that He would be fine and the He needs me to be emotionally strong. So I am. (I still hate seeing Him so tired and listless).

Under Fian's request, I have to be strong and take less direction from Him. I am still His submissive, but I have to take the lead a little, make decisions so He doesn't have to and take the best care of Him that I can. That is one request I don't have any hesitation in complying with!

GET WELL SOON MY LOVE!

Cherish the love

2006-08-03T23:00:00.000+10:00

A digression off submission.

cher·ish
tr.v. cher·ished, cher·ish·ing, cher·ish·es
To treat with affection and tenderness; hold dear: cherish one's family; fine rugs that are cherished by their owners.
To keep fondly in mind; entertain: cherish a memory.
(Thank you www.dictionary.com )

It sounds nice doesn’t it? In the days when I was lost and unloved in the foggy moors of a loveless marriage (yes, I know I let out my inner drama queen) I used to wish to be cherished by someone. It almost became my mantra. On the loneliest days when I would be sitting in a silent house after the kids had gone to bed I would wish for someone who would cherish me and treat me well.

Why am I pondering this word? Well, believe it or not it all comes down to self love. Sometimes in the depths of depression, the merest suggestion of the concept of self love is unbelievably harrowing. To even begin to try to love myself let alone cherish myself will usually set off the self hatred internal car alarm.

The what?

You know how annoying car alarms are with that repetitive howl? Imagine then the disturbance that a self hatred internal car alarm (set off by any attempts to car jack the depression vehicle through the use of positive affirmations or proactive attempts of self love) can be. A howling siren - “I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself…..”

Recently I have found myself using the word ‘cherish’ as a mantra again. Not because I am not cherished by Fian, for, if you have read this blog for longer than one post, you will know that I am cherished beyond any doubt. No, what I long for is to be able to say that I truly cherish myself.

I find when I am really down and fighting for air through the thick blanket of blackness that I long to love myself. I don’t like feeling as though I am my own worst enemy.

It sounds harsh doesn’t it? To be your own enemy. But, if I don’t cherish myself and even the thought of it seems to be blocked from my psyche, what else is there. Look at the antonyms for cherish: Denounce, despise, hate, not care, reject. All these are words that I have felt towards myself. All are words that engender enmity.

(No not enema {yup, still have to have some sort of sense of humour through all of this lol}) Actually, psychological enema would probably do me the world of good – flush all of the shit out of my head.

My goal then is to see myself in the eyes of another – To see me as Fian does. I am looking at Him now as I type (he says I’m showing off by not looking at the keyboard!) and I can see all of the synonyms for the word ‘cherish’ in His eyes.

Yes, He truly does admire, adore, appreciate, apprize, care for, clasp, cleave to, cling to, coddle, comfort, cosset, cultivate, defend, dote on, embrace, encourage, enshrine, entertain, fancy, fondle, foster, guard, harbor, hold dear, honor, hug, idolize, imagine, like, love, nourish, nurse, nurture, pet, preserve, prize, revere, reverence, safeguard, shelter, shield, support, sustain, treasure, value, venerate and even worship me.

If only I could feel even one of these about myself, I would be on the right track.

Three things

2006-08-01T20:41:00.000+10:00

Three simple things I have learnt this week.

1. Kneeling at my Man's feet taking off His shoes and socks, trousers and shirt before kissing Him gently on His cock makes me feel like I am treating Him well and makes Him feel wonderfully loved and adored.

2. Taking somebody you love for granted means that you miss out on the joy of actively giving and receiving love.

3. Picking up the telephone or writing a letter to keep in touch with friends is so so so worth the time and effort.

Bread and butter decision making

2006-07-25T16:38:00.000+10:00

D/S is a wonderfully complex component of the BDSM lifestyle. Tucked there in the middle of the acronym, caught up and interwoven into the other aspects. Bondage/Discipline, Dominant/Submissive, Sadism/Masochism.

The very visual nature of Bondage and Discipline or Sadism/Masochism makes them easily identifiable - it's very hard not to notice someone bound in an intricate embrace of cord (particularly if they happen to be hanging from the ceiling at the time! lol). A masocist bent over a table being whipped into a sexual or otherwise enjoyable frenzy by an equally satisfied sadist is also rather obvious.

But can you tell that the woman in the bank discussing a loan is being submissive to her Dom? Did you know that the couple in the car navigating their way through the city streets were actively engaging in a D/S scenario?

Huh?

Before I make a major decision, I talk with Fian. He helps me work through issues and makes sure I have thought things through thoroughly. Sometimes, He will guide me to a better decision, sometimes He lets me make my own mistakes, sometimes He will decide that I can't do whatever I was planning.

Do I always agree? No.

Do I always submit? No, but I am working on this.

Is He always right? No. But is anyone?

What is important is that my Man knows that I love Him, that I trust His ability to make decisions and to work through any consequences of these decisions.

I don't second guess Him, tell Him what to do or nit pick every decision He makes. This means I don't tell Him what to wear, how to drive, how to get where He is going or how to manage His work. I can offer suggestions, be a sounding board, ask questions to help Fian come to His decisions but in the end, Fian is the master of His life (which includes me).

There's probably something in this D/S thing that many vanilla relationships could benefit from if the women could pull their heads out of their overly feminist backsides and trust their men to know what they are doing. (Yeah I know, I'll get shouted down but I dare anyone to compare their relationship to mine and then come and tell me that I am letting the female side down! lol)

So, it may not be sexy, involve rope, clamps, whips, chains, dungeons or even a hint of punishment but it is central to our amazing relationship. So next time you are standing next to someone in the bank, you never know, they may be right in the middle of being submissive...without a hint of rope showing from beneath their clothes!!!!

The sun is out!!

2006-07-18T16:19:00.000+10:00

It's been raining and cloudy and cold and yucky here. I have been feeling very down and the weather isn't helping. Last night I was in such a low place - very very sad and sinking further and further down towards a very black mood.

Fian tried to help me - He was such a wonderful friend, partner and lover as well as my Dom. I so wanted to do as He asked , but I couldn't do anything but cry. And cry I did - I was a great weeping, sobbing mess.

Then I felt a little better and went to sleep with magical dreams of Fian making love to me - I woke up to find that He was! (It's one of His favourite things to wake me in the night like this!) It was sweet, gentle and very vanilla love making - the perfect perscription for a sad subby.

This afternoon the sun has come out and stayed out for at least the past half hour!

Yay - it isn't a cure for my blues, but it does help a little.

So, now I'm off to an appointment and then, when I get home my Man will be home from work - another bright spot in my day!

May the sun be shining on all who read this.
KD

Submissive acts of endurance

2006-07-14T21:32:00.000+10:00

Phew I have made it to Friday night! How is it that a week can seem to fly past AND be really really long at the same time? I am very tired tonight – the week seems to have taken its toll on me.

You may have read Fian’s post about our full moon night earlier in the week – knowing that He needed a release and taking a lot of the emotion onto me as well as carrying the physical ‘brunt’ of that release is actually quite exhausting. I don’t really know that I have read a lot from other people about the level of physical endurance (apart from the pain endurance) that is necessary to engage in physical acts of submission.

What do I mean by “physical acts of submission”? To give up your body for use by another – to allow them to act out their fantasies, practice their art, wield their power, bring out your power, fulfil your fantasies and fuel your desire. I guess the ways in which our Doms do this are as many and as varied as there are Doms. I don’t really need to or intend to catalogue all of the various toys or tools which can be used nor the millions of ways which they can be employed. A simple search for “BDSM toys” will give you that!

The pain factor isn’t really what I am referring to either. We all have our limits and we all give as much as we can to please our Doms. In this I am no different – I give all I can give and Fian knows that this may be a different amount on any given day. Yes, the many ways that Fian will physically dominate me are the precursor to this need to have physical endurance but most of the things I have read stop here. What happens in the hours/days after. For those of us (and I am guessing it is more than a few) who have other aspects of their lives that can’t just be dropped because we are tired/sore/emotional/bruised/etc the reminders of our submission are carried through the next day/s.

Please don’t think that I am whinging here or that I am implying that I am being abused in any way by feeling after effects of acts that I willingly participate in. In all aspects of our relationship per BDSM Fian and I are Safe, Sane and Consensual – I am a willing submissive. So back to these submissive endurances.

When I woke up the morning after Fian’s very physical release the first thing I was aware of was His arm wrapped around me – right over an incredibly painful bruise coming up on my left arm. Crawling out of bed to get ready for the day I was tired from a late night and tired from giving a lot of emotional support to my Man, tired because my body had been used quite comprehensively (again I stress the fact that I willingly offered it up to be used and gain a LOT of enjoyment/satisfaction too) for a fair period of time just a few hours earlier. Throughout the day mind wanted to wander from the daily needs of family and work and I had to push the activities of the night before aside to focus – but each time I sat down, bumped my thighs, brushed my arm against my breast or I leaned my back against a wall I was taken back.

The next day you are less tired (unless you stayed up late again!) but still some lingering soreness remains. I know that after my first night at a public playspace with Fian I was tired for days – totally drained from the emotional/psychological experience as well as the physical sensations of pain and aching that follows a night like that.

Ok, so I am tired and I am sure that many other subs are tired – what of it? Fian and I are 24/7 in our Dom/sub roles and I am constantly in submission to Him (sometimes more successfully than others *grins* - my bratty nature gets me caught out sometimes!). But, these ‘after effects’ – the tiredness/tenderness/exhaustion/mental fatigue that can last for days are also acts of submission. They are things that we have to deal with during the activity of our daily routines. While we are looking after family, working, studying, recreating or exercising. So even if you are not physically with the Dom you are still carrying out a physical act of submission in enduring these after effects without totally falling apart if the rest of your life.

I feel proud to be Fian’s submissive, proud of my endurance and proud of the strength that so many submissives show. We carry the marks/effects of the gifts of submission we give to our Masters/Doms well after the bite of tool (whatever that may be) has passed.

Where are all the superheroes when you need them?

2006-07-10T20:58:00.000+10:00

I have PMT and there is no chocolate or potato crisps in the house....

Desperation and Decisions

2006-07-09T11:11:00.000+10:00

There is a school of thought that says action is born of desperation. Well, some people are able to motivate themselves before the discomfort gets so high that the point of desperation is reached. I want to say that I am a motivated, driven person who took charge of my situation before I hit the desperation stakes, but, I would be lying. And, as I think I have mentioned before on this blog - there have been enough lies in the past couple of years.

Since separating from my ex-husband, I have lived in a dreamworld fantasy (read delusional) state that I am fine financially. I withdrew some supperanuation money and paid my rent for a year up front. I did this because I was scared that the pressure of being separated, the pressure of having lots of community (school mainly) backlash over my affair with Fian and generally fighting the depression which I have struggled with for almost 20 years would lead me to be less than able to cope. I thought that if at least I knew the kids and I would have a roof over our heads than things would be easier. And, to a point this was the right decision.

Of course now, that year is almost over. This morning, lying in my bed after being woken up by Fian's probing fingers and cock, followed by an amazingly beautiful fucking (and then He left me to go back to sleep!), the thought suddenly popped into my warm fuzzy brain that I currently don't have the finacial resources to pay the rent each week and to live any sort of comfortable lifestyle. Obviously I will pay my rent and feed/clothes/educate the kids without too much difficulty but anything after that - well, let's just say that there is panic looming like a very large truck without brakes on a very very steep mountain road.

So, that is the desperation component of the title. So what of the decision?

I have already mentioned that Fian and I run our own business in addition to our ‘day jobs’. This business has the potential to create enough income for us that these desperation points are a thing of the past.

Potential – what a deceptfully simple word. Everything has potential. A rock has the potential of momentum, but without an energy expenditure of a person pushing it, picking it up or kicking it it is just an inert object. Fian and I hold in our hands the potential to be financially free but without an expenditure of energy at best we have a good idea.

What then will turn this potentially profitable business into a viable source of stress-relieving income? Obviously energy – this rock needs to be pushed, kicked and picked up and thrown to create momentum. But energy isn’t created out of nothing – someone has to decide to kick the rock! Well, this morning I decided that desperation hurts. That being in a powerless state financially is not where I want to be.

I’ve shared my fears, pain and decision with Fian and He has endorsed my plans. We are going to expend the necessary energy, make the phone calls, see the people and keep on working until this thing is finished. IT’S NOT OVER UNTIL I HAVE WON!!!!!

That was the last time that fear and desperation ruin the wonderful sleepy after glow of being comprehensively fucked and pleasured while I am only half awake!!!

Yes I am still feeling scared but with my Man by my side to hold me, guide me and at times take me in hand and be very stern with me - this too will pass.

The Submissive Cycle

2006-07-07T16:43:00.000+10:00

If as a woman I have a hormonal cycle that can affect my moods, weight and my skin, it is definitely plausible for me to have a submissive cycle that can affect my level of submissiveness, cheekiness and pain threshold.

I am certain that at some times of the month I am more submissive than at others. I’m not certain that this necessarily follows the same or even similar pattern as my feminine cycle but I do think that it follows a regular and almost predictable sequence.

For the past couple of weeks I have been alternating between feeling very down and feeling strong. Throughout these couple of weeks I have also been more independent. Not wishing to deliberately be less submissive, but taking space for me more and looking less to Fian for approval or endorsement of my ideas and actions. I have still wanted to be near Fian, to please Him and to pleasure Him. I just followed my own path more than I usually would.

Then, as the days follow one another in the week, I come back around to being very very in touch with my need to please Fian, my need to work under His guidance and to be subjected to His will.

Interestingly enough, my pain threshold is higher in the weeks were I am feeling more independent and so our physical play or scene’s increase during that time. I relish the sight of the bag of toys, want to feel Fian’s hand making my arse red and even desire the dreaded brand new riding crop. This period also heralds the time when I crave the salacious pleasures and tend towards being hedonistic, raw, earthy, smutty or even licentious (if only in my fantasies!!!) It’s in these times that I will long for others to join us in our play or to fulfill those fantasies that are whispered during the raw, earthy and hedonistic sex that we are busy engaging in! The exhibitionist in me starts trying to take the reigns and I wear clothing that is alluring and inviting – especially garments that highlight the curves of my body or cinch in my waist. If we were going to a club in this part of the series of submission then I guess I would be putty in Fian’s hands if He chose to demonstrate me in a physical fashion.

Swinging around the carousel of submissive conduct to the intensely ‘submitting-submissive’ aspect of kd, we come to the times (possibly weeks) where I am drawn closer to Fian. I long to be more under His cloak – if I were any closer when we are out together He would be wearing me! I practically leap into His arms at a loud noise or if I feel threatened. I am more likely to cry buckets of tears during a light spanking or to flinch if he draws a blade even near me. However, I long for Him to bring out His ropes and bind my body tight – to be adorned with His artful twists and turns of the rope and be held in the embrace of the cord. Here I am His “Precious Pet” and wait anxiously for His return from work. Kneeling in the middle of the bed for my Man to join me at night, calling to let Him know where I am, what I am doing - waiting for endorsement of ideas before carrying out anything that is not routine.

Of course there are transition phases and times when I’m not even consciously thinking about being submissive but know that I am His kd and that if I want to do anything out of the norm I will consult with Him first. I guess these are the days in the series where I am neither up nor down (Oh, bugger, now I have the Grand Ol’ Duke of York stuck in my head! lol) but am just on an even level.

So, that is a view of kd’s moods and behaviour and now, my Man has arrived home early so I am going to greet Him at the door.

Why I am not a Dom...

2006-06-28T14:51:00.000+10:00

To set the scene, I am in my early 20's, staying at my parents house with my previous partner. We had been out at a wedding where I had used a large amount of alcohol to numb a feeling of inadequacy I felt being around some of the other guests.

Of course it also had the effect of making me less inhibited than usual (something my then partner did not think was such a bad thing...)

We are getting ready to go to bed and my fuzzy brain told my unsteady body that a sexy strip show would be the perfect seduction technique. So, teetering and tottering on my heels in the tiny space next to the bed in the spare room of my parent’s house I commence a hip swinging, panty twirling dance! As I twirled and jiggled I remembered seeing the riding crop left over from my teenage horse riding days in the wardrobe behind me...

Out comes the crop and (now dressed only in a bra and high heels) I brandish it in a dominantly menacing fashion. Or so I thought - somewhere a tiny coherent part of my brain was screaming at me that my intended submissive shouldn't be in tears and howling with laughter.

Spurred on by what I thought were encouraging signs of desire (well, he was at least paying attention to me - and he was breathing! LOL), I spun on my heels to wiggle my rear end towards my victim and spank my own arse (yup, very confused!) with the crop. Unfortunately I had absolutely no sense of balance (no sense at all actually!) and kept spinning to land head first in a very large box in the wardrobe! So, here I was, the supposed Dom, head down, arse up in a wardrobe feet waving in the air and completely incapable of rescuing myself. *sigh* and I had such a promising career as a Dominatrix...

Um, I think I'll leave the crop in Fian's capable hands and write off the whole experiment as a learning experience. But what did I learn?

1. Never ever buy red wine in a plastic jug.
2. If you ignore rule 1. then mixing the wine with premixed spirits from another plastic jug will not make it a better drinking experience.
3. If you are not looking forward to going to a wedding, then you probably should not go.
4. High heels, hooked carpet and an inexperience as a table top dancer are not good combinations if you ignore rules 1. and 2.
5. If for some unfortunate combination of planetary misalignments, karmic roundabouts and alcoholic haze you have ignored all of the rules and ended up arse up in a wardrobe then for Blog's sake, don't expect to keep it a secret. The supposed love of your life (ha) will use the story at every dinner party, poker night, boys night out or even Parliamentary morning tea (yes, I wish I was kidding) as an amusing anecdote at your expense.

So, now my dirty (or silly) little secret is out and it now has no power over me and I can look back and laugh and be very very grateful that Fian is a lot steadier on His feet than me when he is brandishing a crop!

So Tired!

2006-06-26T09:59:00.000+10:00

I am so tired today - it is Monday morning with a whole week ahead and I am exhausted!

I guess that's what wearing high heels with an impossibly short skirt in cold weather, (the club was warm, but there was a cool breeze sometimes), having your butt smacked and flogged,being put on display etc, will do to you.

As Fian said, we think we will go back and may even look into membership. One thing that really puts me off however is that there was a lot of cigarette smoke, it was quite horrible. My throat is still sore from all the smoke.

At least one thing I know is that I am very very happy in my submission, I am very much in love and that Fian is very much the Man for me.

2006-06-25T21:57:00.000+10:00

Couples embraced, arms wrapping and intertwining as they gently swayed and pressed closer together as if to share the sight through common eyes.

Strong male forms held themselves tall, not afraid to be seen, not peeking around doorways.

Curious onlookers wanting to understand as they try to reason with the term consensual.

In the corner two women are absorbed in each other, merging seemlessly so that there is no break in their connection - desire and energy locked in a circuit of lust.

A young man looks and sees cunt, breasts, nipples and arse.

An old man remembers lovers and the cut of their whips, the sting of their palms and the soft fall into warm arms from deep within self.

All these people looking in, watching as I submit to you and all that you do.

Apparently.

I don't know, for all I see are two blue eyes focussed on me. The curve of your back crouched below me and the touch of your hands to my flesh. You are so strong, so Male and so in control.

At times I see you from a distance and then I seem too close to the whisp of silver as it sings through the air and long to fall away again.

Until finally you sense that you need to come in close, to take the weight and lift me to you and allow me to return where I always wanted to be - in your arms.

Acceptance

2006-06-22T12:05:00.000+10:00

I want all of you.

I love your mouth.
Your fingers, hands, palm, fist.
Your tongue.
Your nails cutting through skin,
Your teeth bruising and biting
Your cunt.
Your arse.

I want your sweat, your juices, your blood, your spit, your piss - no part of you is offensive to me.

It is all you and it is all mine.

Back to the ice cream cabinet

2006-06-18T10:42:00.000+10:00

Well, Fian and I had an experiment with Slave and Master - omg it sounds so like my 5 year olds playing when I say that - "Now, you be the Slave and I'll be the Master and you'll do as I say."

Now, while I understand that the basics of our D/S relationship did not change - that I desire to pleasure,please and adore Fian and that he is focussed on loving and looking after me. But there was something about introducing the new aspect of Slave that really sat uncomfortably with me. The experiment actually crept up on us to begin with, you know, me calling Him Master during sex or play, Him texting me or calling me with instructions to be completed when I see him. That was Ok, in fact it was very much a turn on and as such was more of a foreplay or roleplay than a decision about roles within our relationship. So, we decided to see where it lead us.

My difficulties began when a weekend together alone ended and 'real life' began again - work,home, kids, school runs, making dinners after work, juggling the many roles that a working mum, a submissive partner, friend, daughter, etc has to perform. An instruction would come from Fian in the middle of something mundane, but stressful like the 5.30pm rush for dinner, baths, pj's and attention. Although He didn't expect me to drop everything to make sure His wants were attended to, I would start to panic as I realised I couldn't get everything done, have the kids seen to, have myself presented in a subtly sexy manner and have the house looking perfect, washing done and a wonderfully presented meal for my Master. (Notice most of these things were standards I imposed on myself?)

Fian on the other hand was struggling with how to 'discipline' a slave who seemed to question or even be hostile to requests, if not verbally then definitely with her eyes.

Neither of us were thriving in the roles, I felt like I was not good enough, I felt like it didn't matter how hard I worked during the day there would still be things that needed doing and maybe something He had asked of me would be missed. Now, again notice that I felt this way - I was not MADE to feel this way.

There were too many similarities to my previous marriage - I would struggle to keep the house looking as wonderful as I could (whilst making sure that I spent time actually being with the kids, not plonking them in front of TV or something like that). The kids and I would spend more and more time each day tidying or cleaning or trying to avoid making a mess so that Daddy's house wouldn't get messy. Some days he would come home and I would be certain that 'today I had got it right' - the house looked good, the kids were happy, clean, fed and calmed down ready for bedtime routine - he'd walk in the door and make some derogitory comment about the bikes not being put back properly or some other stupid thing and never a nice remark. To say that I felt crushed, unloved and unhappy would be an understatement.

So cut back to the present and imagine Fian wondering how to handle things when a request He has made is not fulfilled. He knows I have tried my best, He understands the juggling required to care properly for kids (especially at that arsnic hour of the day) and He knows that I try very hard. I am getting more and more sullen and resentful, scared that I will be in 'trouble' (oh, so much like what I worried about with my ex - he wasn't physically violent, but he knew how to say things that hurt me deeper than a blow).

Finally in a tearful discussion about something else, I blurted out that I hated the slave/Master thing and that it made me feel horrible and that I was not growing to love Him through it but to resent Him. Gosh it felt good to say it. I won't say what Fian had to say about His role (that is up to Him to share or not). So, slave/Master is gone.

Of course that leaves us staring through the glass at the ice cream cabinet looking at all of the flavours, wondering which one suits us the best. *sigh* I guess we should just be thankful that we found this 'other' cabinet with the more exotic range of flavours!!!

Trust

2006-06-15T16:33:00.000+10:00

Phew, what a week! There have been more tears here this week than at a youngest daughter's wedding! Misunderstanding, miscommunication and yes, distrust have all played a role in the relationship struggles this week.

Between hiding my presence from Fian's kids, trying to navigate our way through an unsatisfactory experiment with a Slave role for me, my kids misbehaving because they get all the crappy food they want at their dads house (and I get the three day delayed behaviour reactions) to a blog post misinterpreted.

It's taken so much hard work from both of us to work through, over and around these things. But we have and here are some of the lessons we have learnt.

That trying to hide our relationship from Fian's kids is not the key to moving ahead.

That I am don't work well with the slave/master relationship. I was married too long to a man who made me feel as though I was in trouble or being found to be unsatisfactory all of the time to want it voluntarily.

I have to learn to stand up for myself and tell my ex that I don't want to have to deal with the hangovers of what he does with the kids. They detox at my house only to be filled with MSG laden food, Coke and other soft drinks, chocolate and generally really crap food. Going to bed at 9.00pm or later is also not appropriate for 5 and 7 year olds.

And finally - the most important thing for building a sustainable relationship. We need to trust each other. Know that we are are not going to deliberately hurt each other so when we feel slighted or upset we both need to calm down and raise the issue by talking instead of getting upset.

Of course there have been some other little things like:
Always kiss goodnight
Always have a real kiss goodbye (not just a peck)
Presents make each other feel good.
Reading books is good for your sex life (wait til I tell you about the 'How To' book Fian is reading...)
Taking a novel to bed is no where near as much fun as going to bed with a man who is reading a particular How To book.
Fires are really really great to lie in front of while He practices certain techniques from aforementioned How To book.

Ok, now off to make the kids dinner, get ready to kiss Fian hello when he comes home from work, run out the door to a business meeting, kiss ass at the meeting, come home and give Fian a goodnight kiss that he will never forget and then finally sleep!!! Yay my day off tomorrow - I get 6 whole hours to myself!!!!!! *claps hands and squeals*

Over

2006-06-11T10:03:00.000+10:00

The week is over.
The Dominance was all encompassing.
The submission was complete.

Fear, Submission and Mastery

2006-06-07T22:42:00.000+10:00

This post contains more explicit content than usual. I made a decision a while ago that this blog wasn’t going to contain all of the intimate activities that Fian and I engage in. Which is probably just as well because if I was to document each time Fian and I fuck then the sheer number of pages on the blog would blow out the servers at blogspot… lol

So to my week of intense submission.

You may have read in previous posts that I am not into pain. It grieves me to say that I am not a pain slut. Why grieves? Because I know that it pleases Fian to be able to use his hand to spank my arse, use a cane or paddle to push me past the limits of common behaviour and let all my feelings pour out of me. This is not to say that we don’t do this – but I wouldn’t say that I get any enjoyment out of it.

On our first night alone in the house together this week Fian and I came home to my freezing cold cottage, stoked up the fire in the lounge, put the heater on in the bedroom, cooked dinner, drank a couple of glasses of beer/vodka and danced together in front of the fire. Ok, so nothing too D/S there I hear you say…except that we were dancing around the coffee table upon which were laid out our new nipple clamps (our first set!), a large red dildo, 10 metres of cord, 3 metres of cotton rope, a ball chain flogger, a cock ring, black tape and one bottle of lubricant. Yup, now that’s a table decoration!

I knew that I would have to submit to Fian and that in doing so I would have to confront my fear of pain and my desire to take control and stop the physical sensations in my body. To be able to disappear into that place where the pain is just another sensation and not something to run away from is one of my greatest goals. When Fian and I started exploring this dynamic, I had a much higher tolerance to the pain – my butt was black and blue from our experimentation!

First my hands were taped firmly behind my back – I felt the first shiver of fear run through me and wanted to move my hands to do silly little things like scratch my nose or move a stray hair that had fallen on my breast and was tickling me. Then the tape was wrapping around my breasts, pushing them up higher and higher only to be pressed into my body as the next length of tape encompassed them. This wrapping continued down over my torso and onto my belly which swelled out below the constriction of the tape. As someone who has struggled to come to terms with the shape of my body post babies this was very very confronting.

Corseted by black tape, my breaths were forced to be shallow and in between the quick, short breathes the fear and anticipation swelled and rolled through me. Fian kicked my legs apart until I was standing with my legs spread, hands and arms bound to my body, breathless and weak at the knees. My body longed to lie down, my legs shook and as I became more and more caught up in the sensations, and I began to feel panicky and tried harder and harder to take deep breaths. (Please don’t think I was being suffocated – Fian was being very careful of me).

Even the insistent sweep of Fian’s tongue across my clit and the suck of his mouth against my cunt couldn’t distract me from the hidden struggle to control my fear.

Fian looked up and saw that I was struggling too much and unwrapped me, releasing me from my fear. As I drew in great, deep breathes, a sharp sting and clench on the lips of my cunt pulled me back. Fian had positioned the clamps so that the chain that linked them swung between my legs. He pulled the chain first in one direction and instinctively I moved where I was lead – I was tethered, made helpless by the stricture on my lips and the incredible carnal desire rising in my cunt. I don’t know what turned me on more; the clasping restraint on my cunt, being directed wordlessly by the pull of the chain or the look on Fian’s face as He admired His cunt held in the vice of the clamps.

Soon Fian allowed me to lie on the floor. Now, instead of constricting tape around me Fian took the beloved rope and adorned my body, crossing behind my neck, over my breasts, pushing into the flesh on my belly and wrapping around my back only to pull up through the lips of my cunt to be twisted to the rear and knotted at my back. Black cord against my skin, pressing flesh up into little ridges, pulling the lips of my sex back and leaving me totally exposed to whatever Fian could and would do to me.

But before I could enjoy Fian’s skills as a lover he instructed me to turn onto my belly and even as I was still turning, feeling the ropes pull tight on my neck and then on my cunt as I moved, there was a swish as the ball chain flogger swung and bit into my thighs, then arse. Back and forth, over and over - thighs, arse, thighs, arse, across my sex, pulled up through my arse then swung again to sting and sear my skin. I struggled, tried to fight it, cried and screamed, pressed my face into a cushion sobbing and protesting. Finally I just allowed the tears to flow, howled and screamed into my cushion and knew that this was going to happen and fighting and allowing the fear to dominate me was going to make it worse. I won’t say I enjoyed it, I certainly wasn’t turned on by it and I was relieved when it was over but, I was exhilarated by my ability to endure it.

In keeping with my decision that this blog will not reveal all the details of what my lover does to me I am not going to describe exactly what went from here. But I do have to note that I had wanted to be able to take everything that Fian could give me. He wanted to be able to take me completely – fill me and fuck me like never before. This He did and, after he gave me permission I came in an all consuming, gushing orgasm and screamed louder than when Fian used the flogger.

So in my submission I gained mastery. I am another step of the way along my path to master fear. I also was in control of my body and stretched it, pushed it and enjoyed it in all its glory and depravity.

I submit...

2006-06-04T09:19:00.000+10:00

True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself.
Henry Miller

I submit to many things.

I submit to success and all the work that is required to receive the rewards.
I submit to good health - exercise, pure healthy food and self control.
I submit to love - to give of myself to people that come into my life to love them as they are without reserve or judgement or expectation of love returned.
I submit to Fian - to the commitment that is required to be true to one Man, to honesty even when a lie would be easier, to pleasure given and received, to pain when given in love, to open especially when I want to close up and run.
To Him - my Man, my Love, my Lover, my Master Fian.

For You - I love you Fian. This week we will be alone in your house each night after work and you told me that you will dominate me in all areas - take control and take me. I am already trembling inside at the thought of the play, pain and pleasure. Although I am nervous and worried that I may not be able to submit to all that you want, I am willing to submit to this fear, let it wash past me and through me but not to hold me back from You.

It's time for a slide night!

2006-06-04T00:02:00.000+10:00

So it’s time for a virtual slide night. Grab your popcorn, put on your pj’s (I’m wearing Fian’s blue ones with ducks on them!) and fluffy slippers, groan about how boring slide nights are and then get over it or wait until the next post before reading!

I have posted before of the wonderful people that made our (Fian’s and my) trip to the UK so amazing. Here are some highlights of the locations that absolutely just astounded me.

Uffington Chalk Horse Wiltshire, England
Horse – he stands behind me as a constant guardian – to visit this place was pure magic. Not fluffy silly, sell lots of crap at hippy markets magic, but a pure overwhelming source of energetic power flowing from the spirit that dwells in this land.

Waylands Smithy by the Ridgeway near Uffington Wiltshire, England
How incredible to stand in a place where 5000 years ago another woman possibly stood to mourn and bury someone she cared for. I know that this comment is speculative and even possibly outlandishly inaccurate. But the people back then cared enough to build a structure for the dead that has not only survived for so long, but been used by countless generations as a burial mound AND somehow survived the visits of curious passersby across the centuries. I think it is possible that if they cared enough to build this place that a the worn ground at the head of the tomb was in part worn away by the feet of those who mourned the dead.

Stonehenge
Many people told us that Stonehenge wasn’t that good, that it wasn’t special. And, to them it may not have been an interesting place or it isn’t special. But our visit was more than good and to say that it is special is like saying Wells Cathedral is a pretty little church (Yup, we went there too...!)

From the first glimpse as I broke all land speed records to get there on time for our after hours visit, to the last glimpse through the pale light of descending darkness Stonehenge captivated me. Here I asked for life, asked if I could hold a piece of the strength of the stones (although it was the strength of more than that) in me to give to the child that Fian and I so want to conceive. Here we walked barefoot through the stones (not really a barefoot hippy, but my feet were burning and I needed to feel the ground beneath me.) and tried to imagine or comprehend the lives of those that dedicated themselves to the building of the circle. If you want to see Stonehenge – call the National Trust or go to their website and book the after hours access – six pounds each to walk amongst the stones instead of way back behind a barrier.

Stand quietly in the circle, allow your thoughts to wander and enjoy the experience with an open mind and no preconceived ideas of what you are standing in. Aagain I felt that there is magic in this world.

The White Spring Glastonbury, Somerset, England
Glastonbury holds a festival – apparently it’s muddy, loud and expensive. Under a shabby building in the shadow of the Tor there is a sanctuary. Sanctuary is an interesting word – it can be a place of shelter, a den, a harborage or hideout. Sanctuary can also be an alter, holy place – a shrine. From the word sanctum.

Here under a shire reservoir there lies a sanctum and a hideout. Opened sporadically (I don’t know who has the key or who is responsible for the actual building) this shabby building apparently was once a café or something of the like. Inside in dark, closeted alcoves and rooms a deep underground spring rises towards the surface. The white spring that runs under Glastonbuy Tor. I felt as though I could climb into the cave, follow the spring and end up in the very heart of the Tor. Here I felt safe, in harborage – here I played music that echoed off the walls are rose in my own offering to the Heart of the place. I don’t know what to call this ‘Spirit’, ‘God’, ‘Mother’, ‘Goddess’ – to me a name isn’t necessary. But whatever name you want to give – here was Feminine and she was strong.

Oh, and just in case you think that I spent the whole trip being all spiritual and hippy-like – I also loved the bookstores in Glastonbury, the museum in Bath, the music store in Birmingham, the architecture in Stratford-Upon-Avon and the beach in Cardiff. Hang on I forgot I also really really loved the Green and Blacks organic chocolate too! YUM!

Hello? HELLO? Oh come on, surely my slide night wasn’t that boring. *whispers* Ok, I’ll just turn out the lights and you can keep snoozing on my couch. “Goodnight”

What is it that makes me Yours?

2006-06-03T22:51:00.000+10:00

Who am I to call myself Your woman?

How can I lay claim on what cannot be owned by just me?
Your love, devotion and leadership is readily shared.
You love many, are devoted to a few and lead all who choose to follow.
Why then do I consider myself to be so special, so unique in your affections?

Perhaps it is a sexual thing – yet you have known and enjoyed others, so in that I am not uniquely yours.
Perhaps it is a matter of the strength of your love – yet I know you have loved others intensely and fiercely also.

If not love or sex, what is defining me as Yours?

Is it possible that what makes me yours is what I give to you?

Well…

I give you my love, but others have that too.
I give you my sex, but other have had that in the past also.
I give you my submission….is this it? Is this what makes my Yours. My submission?
I have given that before too.

Only this time it was taken. Embraced and accepted. Held and cherished and treated as a gift.

This is it – this is what makes me Yours. You accept me for who I am and what I give. As I am. And it is enough. I am good enough.

I am Yours.

Duck and cover

2006-05-30T13:17:00.000+10:00

Phew, I haven’t stopped since I returned from our lovely trip (hmm, was I ever away? It feels like a million years ago already!)

Yup, the subs life – many masters! Work, business, kids, parents visiting, house and finally searching for a new place for Fian and I to move in together!!!!! YAY!!! But, this little sub is getting very tired, quite run down and would really appreciate it if whoever put the vice around my head and locked it down to cause a permenant headache would please please please remove it. *deep breath KD, deep breath*

Regular blogs will resume by the 5 June – promise, promise, promise.

It's time to leave.....

2006-05-18T21:22:00.000+10:00

We've had the most fabulous time with the beautiful Elle - but now it is time to go. (After we meet Dragon, Lessa and Clare.)

THANK YOU ELLE - we will miss you so much.

Fian and KD

*hugs, kisses * and noisy nose-blows as we drive off.

Wrapped in love

2006-05-16T21:21:00.000+10:00

Is the character of a country defined by it's physical features or by the people who live there? If I was particularly philosophical I would probably also ponder whether the people of a country are in some way defined or shaped by the physical characteristics of the area in which they live.
We have now travelled from Birmingham, through the gloriously picturesque English countryside in Whiltshire, into Salisbury to visit megalithic monuments and incredible sites of historic significance, down to Somerset to immerse ourselves in an area where the inner unseen world seems to cross over into our physical reality. With all of our experiences both physical and spiritual and the amazing sights that we have seen, what is it that we are talking about the most? The people we have met and the connections we have made.

First in Birmingham with a really lovely couple who indulged Fian in his desire to go narrow boating by showing us through their boat on the canal and walking with us chatting about their experiences. It was my first experience of meeting a 'local' person and enjoying the idiosyncrasies of their accent and mannerisms. Especially words like "maundy" and "chip butty".
In Wiltshire we stayed in a lovely put in Ashbury where Fian enjoyed with passion tasting real ale again and had a great time chatting with the publican and some locals. Here we picked up the term "wiggly waggly" for a windy road.

Of course it was here where I finally got to see the physical site of the chalk horse which I have tattooed on my back - it is more than just a tattoo to me, it is intimately tied to my spirituality. So this was an amazing spiritual experience for me. Again however we met a lovely lady who chatted to us about her thumb stick given to her by her cousin in South Africa.

Our experience in Glastonbury has resulted in four new friends who we intend to remain in close (email and internet) contact as well as two additional offers of accommodation in Cardiff should we require it. The level of generosity and the lovely connections we've experienced have endeared this place to me to a level that has quite surprised me.

Which leads me to Cardiff - we arrived into the warm embrace of Elle last night and even this morning I am still overwhelmed by the warmth and generosity of spirit that has taken us in. I feel so fortunate and blessed to have the opportunity to make such beautiful friends. It more than makes up for the pain and lonliness that I have experienced recently with the circle of women back at home who have taken it upon themselves to play judge, jury and executioner.
Even now, Elle and Fian are sitting on a couch in the same room as me and we are all chatting about just how amazing it is that we are able to sit together and discuss life, movies, books and of course dominance and submission. To be able to be ourselves and open to each other in a safe, warm and loving environment.

Promise I'll tell all about our other 'experiences' while we've been here - that will be the next post. By way of a little teaser - have a look on Google images for 'Chalice Hill' in Glastonbury. Then imagine the full moon, Fian and me - and let your imagination run wild!!!!! *deep sigh and a secret smile to myself at the memory of that night*

Birmingham, Birmingham I Hear You Calling Me

2006-05-08T21:37:00.000+10:00

Rain, Rain, Rain and then some more rain. But has it dampened my over the top enthusiasm for life today??.....I want to shout an enthusiastic NO but I guess dear ones that I have to stick with my pledge to be honest in all my dealings (I have had enough lies in the past couple of years to last me a lifetime - and yes, I am as guilty of telling lies as I am of tolerating lies being told to me.) The rain has slightly dampened my spirits, but by way of compensation I have dressed up. Something I may not have mentioned before on this blog is that I am a girly-girl. I love pink, pretty things and looking good. So in honour of my pledge to try to always look my best when I am out in the big wide world (and doesn't being on the other side of the world qualify unequivally!!!) I am in a flippy skirt, pretty pink twin set and my favourite hat and gloves. Yup and outfit that would drive Fian's ex nuts. In her opinion I shouldn't wear pretty things because I am not a "perfect size 8". I say Bleeeccchhhh to that.

Well I am on a public internet computer in Birmingham Library so I can't go into the details of our attempt at entry into the esteemed Mile High Club however be it known that we have probably qualilfied for associate membership....

Today I am walking around the city and following some walking trails on a brochure - that and going to look at beautiful art in the gallery and then, yup a littly nanny nap cause I'm still really tired. Mind you, being awake at 1am has it's advantages.... *winks and reminds herself that the details are not appropriate for a public library internet access*!!!!!

One third of the way there!

2006-05-07T03:51:00.000+10:00

Well here I am in Singapore on a 40 minute stopover and what do I do? Run across 6 travelators, past several dozen guards and then *loud orchestral music and angelic voices* ...Free Internet!!! Update my blog quick.

Trip so far is going well. Local time Singapore 1.30am, time at home in Oz 3.30am - still a huge smile on my face! Fian is here by my side - so all is well with the world.

I have remembered something very important whilst journalling on the way. If you want forgiveness from others, you need to own your actions then forgive yourself first. People's reactions after that (if you have then done what is right) are their responsibility not yours.

So, middle of the night, but hopefully I am making sense.

Next stop Dubai. I wonder if they will have free internet too????

*hugs to everyone* !

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-05-06T10:35:00.000+10:00

Today is the day that Fian and I board a plane and fly across to the other side of the world. You should see the look on my kids’ faces when I say that!!! The thought of it is actually too hard for them to comprehend fully and I think, in part it’s the same for me. It's been a busy and somewhat stressful week, but one where I have really clarified some thoughts and made some relatively huge life decisions.

Now I'm ready to have an amazing holiday.

It's funny, because we are only away for a couple of weeks, I have been talking down the trip to people. Comments like, "Oh you know, it's just a couple of weeks" and "Yeah, I guess I'll have a good time" or "Yeah, I'm going with a friend - it'll be nice".

I'm not sure if it is guilt (over the whole ex wife/ex husband thing) or guilt because I put myself first. To tell you the truth, I think it is the latter. I find it so hard to feel comfortable about doing this – especially with Fian’s ex having an absolute hissy fit over the fact that we are going and my ex being so totally negative and rude about me actually putting myself first. It has affected a lot of areas of our relationship – until yesterday when Fian and I talked through a lot of the areas where I was feeling guilty and we went through a process to clear the blocks that the guilt had caused. One brilliant side effect was that I had a beautiful whole body orgasm whilst fucking with Fian for the first time in ages.

So yesterday I was talking with a mum at school who is going to Europe for 6 months with her husband and kids. She's been planning it for 2 years! This woman told me that she thinks it's amazing that I just decided a month or so ago that I was going and Boom – it happens. I went to put myself and the holiday down but then decided to buy into her enthusiasm. Suddenly I realized how fantastic this opportunity is and how much of a big deal it is to decide to fly to the other side of the world for a two week vacation just so that I don’t have to be apart from the Man that I love more than any other.

Yup,that was the catalyst for this trip. Fian had a trip planned to attend a big convention in the UK for work. He mentioned the trip to me and that he would be away for two weeks. We both were excited about his trip, but TWO whole weeks? (Consider this in the light of the fact that my ex husband would regularly announce that he could be leaving for 3 or 4 months and I would barely blink and eye except to think about how tired I would get with my three babies. I had three kids in two years)).

Fian said to me “Gee, how cool would it be if you could come too?”

I looked at him, he looked at me and suddenly I realized that really, there wasn’t anything stopping me from going too. “Why don’t I?” I said. We looked at each other some more and then the decision was made. I was going to the UK with Fian to accompany him on his work trip, have a holiday and see some places that we had talked about seeing one day. Done. Decision made.

Lots of work, some sacrifices and a disconnected mobile phone later (yup, the bill got kind of forgotten in the excitement…) I had a ticket booked on the same flight, a newly renewed passport and my wonderful mum and dad had agreed to drive 12 hours to come and look after my kids for my week of the two week period. *draws in a huge breath after such a long sentence*

So, with that bit of background let’s get back to the guilt thing and my decisions in the past week.

I have found a respect this week for that part of me which is so often criticized - the impulsive, always ready and willing for adventure side of me. In recent months some people (people who's opinion of me I really shouldn't listen to) have called me willful and impetuous. I took it as an insult when really - I AM full of will. A will to live, a will to have an amazing life and to give myself and my Man and my kids the best of all things. I am a strong and capable Woman (I am not buying into the negative talk at me or about me by the Ex factor). I am beautiful (although not a size 8 model waif) and I am in love with a Man who I want to be with for the rest of this life and any others if that is what comes my way.

It’s time to go now – we are driving to the airport, flying across to the other side of the world and taking yet another leap of faith with each other – and I know that it is going to be fantastic and thrilling.

Hopefully I’ll blog while I’m away – I’m sure that there will be a kind person over there who’ll let me log on from their computer. *winks at Elle*

So kiss me and smile for me...

2006-05-04T23:25:00.000+10:00

I just read that on Fian's blog that it's about 40 hours until we jet off on our holiday - Hang on, did I just say "read that on Fian's blog"? Yes, Fian has updated his blog!!! Take the link to My Man Fian on the side bar.

I'm stressed, excited, nervous and ...Fian wants me to write horny. Well, you can't blame a Man for trying can you!!!

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to write when there is someone reading over your shoulder? (oh, now He's pointing out the fact that He's not reading over my shoulder!) So to set the facts straight He's squinting over the back of the couch AND He just slapped my ass.

I am having incredible difficulty in concentrating at the moment. Things have a habit of being left half done. (Again with the over the couch comments - apparently it would be a lot funnier if I had have written that I am having incredible difficulty consecrating at the moment!) (Actually now I come to think about it, it does sound kinda funny - in an odd Buffy the Vampire Slayeresque kind of way)

So some things I have tried to do tonight but seem to be left incomplete.

Sorting clothes to pack - they made it onto the bed - now they have all been shoved onto the floor!
Using my natty little new "intimate area shaver" - yup, you guessed it - one side smooth, the other rather prickly!
Paying attention to Fian - I tried when I got home from a meeting at school - he was busy updating His blog {Did I mention that FIAN HAS UPDATED HIS BLOG!!!!} - anyway so I couldn't cover Him with kisses. He is now ready for attention and what am I doing??????

Of course the answer is - I am finishing this blog now and going to bed with my Man.

Lists, lists, lists

2006-04-30T20:59:00.000+10:00

Packing lists
Lists of jobs to do before we leave
Shopping lists
Lists of things not to forget
Address lists
Lists of places we want to have sex

Yup, all the lists we need before we head off to the UK for two weeks. They all seem pretty normal don't they? Don't they?
Ok so Fian is trying to coax me out of my comfort zone. Actually coax is not really the word I'm looking for. Perhaps tempt? Hmm nope. Coerce. Getting closer. Ok that's it, no more beating around the bush. He is ordering me out of my comfort zone. Hello - is there no place sacred anymore? I mean really being ordered out of my comfort zone. Who does He think He is? My Master or someth...oh shit. Nevermind.

Not only does He insist that we will be having sex on the plane, but He has started to make it very clear that there will be a few places in the great outdoors that could see some Fian and KD makin whoopee action.

Don't think I'm a prude please, but I worry about offending other people. Or trees. In fact I'm not adverse to worrying about what the passing sparrows or ladybugs may think also. Plus I really hate having a chilly bum. Yes I know - a terrible spoil sport.

Off on a completely different tangent, I am being totally distracted by my gorgeous Fian parading around in front of me wearing a rock climbing harness. Just the harness...all the while making jokes about extra holds, expansion holds and cracks in the rock. Cute. Very cute.

We went shopping today. We bought two day packs for our hikes and to take on the plane a travel clothes line, lantern candles, a shaver called the 'Intimate Area Shaver', a ball-link chain light crop and a cock ring. All off the shopping list. Did I mention that I love lists?!!! This was the "Things to buy before the trip list"

If you think that's a good list, you should see the "Things to make sure we don't accidently pack list" lol!

Steamed vegetables, beer on tap and sex

2006-04-28T08:20:00.000+10:00

Yesterday you could say that I was completly lost. I was in such a hole of depression and despair. I felt worthless, useless and had just about given up and tried to get some kind of drug to knock me off the planet for a few days. Yup, the first episode of PMT off the anti-depressants and what did KD forget to take to work?......Only the natural remedies that help me feel better, lunch to keep me nourished and on an even keel and my good attitude ( I think that I left it under the bed or somewhere).

By going home time I had managed to pull myself up enough to know that Fian and I should not stay home that night otherwise it would end up in a war - I was stinging for a fight. So I borrowed my business partner's car (a beatiful silver Mercedes Benz - one of the things that I am going to buy when I am at the same level in our business as this partner) and drove home. I pulled up outside Fian's house and tooted the horn and then down went the electric window and I called out "Hey you want to come for a drive with me?!!" He nearly fell over with the shock of seeing me in this car!

We drove into the mountains and went to a beautiful little pub for dinner. We are both vegetarians and so we had an amalgamation of various side dishes (all extremely yummy!!!) One of the great joys in life is a huge plate of steamed vegies with a drizzle of butter! Fian enjoyed one of the best selections of beer on tap around.

What was amazing is that we had such open and honest conversation over dinner. I explained about what it feels like to have depression (or how the chemical imbalance sometimes takes over) and then we talked about our sex life, His Dominance and my submission. At the table, surrounded by other diners and with the waitress coming back and forth with food and drink...We spoke in low voices, hushed tones that matched the mellow flickering light from the candle on our table. We spoke of our bodies, of orgasm and of our feelings about where our D/S is taking us. It would have been very obvious to anyone looking on that we were very much 'closed to the public' as far as interaction with anyone else there was concerned.

When we got home I was exhausted from my difficult day and just about fell into bed. There I found Fian, arms open wide to catch me, His mouth ready to suck at my breast, His hands ready to caress my aching body into a relaxed submission and of course His cock more than ready to take me. Take me to a place where there is no doubt that I am loved and adored, a place where worth is not measured on a scale of achievement; a place where I find power, strength and peace.

Here again is where the power of my submission comes in - it would have been all too easy to say that I was too tired, to give into the lingering threads of my down day. But He had other ideas. He knew better. He is my Man and had wants, needs, desires and a plan to bring me back to myself. Yup, I admit it - He was right and frequently is.

Now to work and then tonight we begin getting ready for our trip. In one week we fly out of here and have two weeks holiday in the UK!!! Yay I can't wait!!!!!!!! (Can yout tell I'm excited? lol)

Tonight

2006-04-24T18:30:00.001+10:00

Tonight I am the Woman who has prepared the Game.
A box of fun – a funny card game, some toys and suggestive comments to let my Man play.
Red and pink envelopes with slips of paper inside - on them words that start with ‘B’, ‘T’.
How many ways can he mark me as His using the instruments in the third envelope???
What do I have to do? We have treats for Him to Bribe me, Tempt me to come out of my oh so comfortable comfort zone and then Reward me when I have performed satisfactorily?
An envelope marked “Bare” and another marked “Bound” and one, oh beautiful handwritten scroll marked “Last”.
A box of fun, lust, love and pain (yes although I HATE pain I give my pain as a gift to my Master occasionally).

We have a holiday tomorrow so we can rest.

My beautiful Fian is cooking me food – wholesome, organic food prepared with extra amounts of love for me!!! I feel pampered, Loved and totally owned. After we have eaten the Game will begin…what more could I ask for.

I have been feeling really like I am not worth loving, struggling with the old demons that are trying to knock at the door since I’ve been coming off anti-depressants. The horrible sense of being worthless, out of control and basically like things are too hard. BUT Fian is there for me – at times to hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and to remind me that to imply otherwise is to question His judgment. Other times He takes me in hand – guides me gently or not so gently to get past the demons. Today started with me not coping, being snipity and snarly. He suffered, I suffered and then of course I felt guilty, then loathed myself and hated what I was.

But not tonight. Tonight we play.
Tonight we celebrate Love, Lust and Life.
Tonight is the night to Touch, Taste and Tempt.

Tonight I am the Woman who has prepared the Game.

50 Years of Marriage

2006-04-22T18:48:00.000+10:00

Fian and I have been away recently to my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary. I can't believe that they have been married so long! Until I met Fian I never thought that it was possible to be married to someone for any seriously long time(hmmm, actually I used to think for any length of time)and be happy. Comfortable, yes. Settled, yes. Bored, definitely. Stuck, maybe. But happy and in love??? No way, not possible.

Before Fian (BF) when I saw people who were married kissing, holding hands and acting like they were in love I felt a sense of utter disbelief. It was a lie - marriage was not like that. They were just putting on a show and when they got out of sight it was just like my marriage. Tolerating each other's presence, wondering if this is all there is and wishing with all my heart that I had been more corageous when I had pre-wedding jitters.

My parents danced in the lounge room at their party. Their feet moved in perfect rhythm, Mum held tight by Dad as he led her aroung the room. Mum rested her head on Dad's shoulder - I actually believed that she meant what she said in her speech when she said she loved Dad more today than she did 50 years ago. What is the difference? Why do I believe in the possibility of a love-filled marriage now?

Fian. He is the difference. As I danced in my sister's lounge room, feet not moving quite as perfectly as my parents, my head resting on Fian's shoulder I realised that I had it. I was those couples who seemed to actually LIKE each other and love each other!!!

(oh Wuv, twue wuv) - That's for those fellow 'Princess Bride' fans out there!!

Oh, and the sex is fantastic too!!!!!

Bound

2006-04-21T12:30:00.000+10:00

I lie bound. My breasts pushed together, a willing second cunt for his gorgeous cock.
My legs are free, but together, waiting for him to pull them apart - separating the lips of my cunt.
My clit throbbing, waiting for the clamp of his teeth and the suck of his tongue.

Opened wider and exposed now. Bare flesh - the hair torn away by wax. My cunt starts to contract then expand pulling away from the fucking it is about to receive only to reach out for the hard inescapable thrust and the divine pull of withdrawal and cum inducing curl of fingers inside.

Loosing myself further I fall into the place where there is only the sound of my breath. Panting I am nothing but a cunt for His cock. SLAP I am back, the sting of his hand and the searing burn on my arse as he slaps me - gently, hard, soft, brutal. I grow wet with the pain, then I feel his cock move to join the torture of my arse and know that I am His.

Sorry I've been so quiet - we have been away travelling and sheer exhaustion has taken over since our return. More later - much news to tell!!!

Today's Top Five Bimbo

2006-04-10T19:24:00.000+10:00

The withdrawal symptoms are kicking in big time to the point that I just cannot put more than two words together in a logical order.

In honour of Fian's vindictive Ex who has 'named' me "The Bimbo", here are my top five bimbo acts for the day (All caused by the drug withdrawal...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!) lol

5. Forgetting every Bimbo thing I've done today and now having to get Fian to tell me all of them again!
4.Having to go back up my driveway three times tonight to pick up something I've forgotten...my driveway is 1km long. (that's 0.621miles)
3. Mentioning that I didn't have any underwear just seconds before Fian says "Oh that reminds me I have to call my mother"!!! OK, so not entirely an act of Bimbo, but definitely an odd (and very disturbing) coincidence.
2. I have dropped, kicked, bumped, scratched and broken anything and everything I have come into contact with today. Fian has put some pants on instead of staying naked tonight for a precautionary measure or is that supposed to be a protectionary measure???
And the number 1. Bimbo for today is....... Driving to the city (just over an hour away) at 1pm totally and utterly forgetting that I have to pick my son up from school at 3pm. HMMM the timing just doesn't add up there. Thank goodness I realised this way in time to do many embarassed phone calls to other mums to find someone who can take him to their house for a play date for a while. *** (OK, Fian is cutting in here to point out that He realised it and asked me what I was doing about school pick up - sheesh picky picky anyone would think that He is the prominent ooops, dominant part of this relationship!!)***

In the interest of public safety I think I should now go and sit quietly in a chair (oh, hang on, Fian said it has to be the corner) and not touch anything, say anything or do anything unless I am told to. Yummmm sounds kinda fun actually!

In fact before I go here is something I was told to do tonight...

"You may kiss my cock."
"Now you may lick my balls, now this side."
"Now, as you stand up, lick up the shaft, kiss the end of my cock and then kiss me on the mouth."

*Sigh* I'm off to my corner to await the rest of His instructions!

This is a must read (even if I am biased)

2006-04-07T16:39:00.000+10:00

Yes, he is my Man, but I love what he has written here. Amongst everything else this is why I love him.

http://discoveringfian.blogspot.com/2006/04/well-it-has-been-sometime-since-i.html

Musings of the morning

2006-04-07T11:14:00.000+10:00

OK, so some might say that I’m naïve but in my defence let’s just say that there wasn’t a lot of sex in my previous marriage and most of my experience before that is lost in the fog of my mind (you know ancient history and all that).

This morning Fian and I were snuggling, the kids were out of their beds clanging and banging around the kitchen and calling out to me to hurry up. (They didn't know that Fian was in my room). I was commenting on how incredibly smooth my cunt was feeling after shaving the night before. Of course Fian had to check out how smooth it was by giving me a kiss there. This lead to more ‘kisses’, a very wet cunt and a seriously hard cock. I didn't think it would lead to anything more, I really had to be out of bed in about 2 minutes. Silly me.

Apparently this is enough time. This is where I appear to be completely dumb. Fian is a fantastic lover that can fuck me in every way possible for as long as I could possibly imagine. He thrust his cock straight into me and fucked me hard and came in me in the 2 minutes available. As Fian instructed me to “Get up, get dressed and get going” I commented on how quickly he came. The answer…

“Karen, I could come that quick every time we fuck, I choose to control it.”

Oh. (I think I should probably be saying ‘D’oh’.)

On a completely different topic….

Constant nausea, abdominal pain, extreme forgetfulness and clumsiness (I call it the ‘dropsy’s’) and an overwhelming desire to nap all the time. Yup,it's all related to the baby that Fian and I are going to have. *Sigh* One day.

No, I'm not pregnant, but it is another step in our quest to have children together.

I have been on an anti-depressant for over three years and I thank the powers that it was there for me. Before I went on the medication life felt numb, dead – not sad, not happy, just flat. Nothing ever moved me to tears or to laughter. Pretty sad when you’ve got three beautiful kids all at that gorgeous toddler age. My ex blames everything that was wrong at that time of our marriage on my depression (and while it certainly didn’t help), I think the depression was partly triggered by a desperately loveless marriage.

Enough of the past. I read an article earlier in the year highlighting the fact that the biggest factor in a successful transition off anti-depressants was having a very strong support team. Yes, other things like complimentary health approaches, exercise and counselling were hugely important, but if the person had the support of a loving group of family or friends they were more likely to come off the medication and never need it again.

I now have that. I feel like this is the first time in fifteen years or more that I am loved unconditionally and that I have a group of people around me that truly want me to be the best that I can. This includes of course my Man Fian.

So…(boy I really took a long time to come to this didn’t I?!) I am right down to a tiny bit of medication as I ween myself (fairly quickly because I DON’T want to be on it if I fall pregnant). Hence the massive withdrawal/detox symptoms.

Of course I didn’t work out what was causing theses feelings straight away did I?! In addition to trying to ‘find myself’ and keep the kids/house/work/business/life moving I was worried that I had contracted some strange illness!!!! At 2am this morning I was wandering around the kitchen trying to think of a way to stop feeling so sick. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the packet of the medication.***BLING*** Mental light clicks on... A quick search on the net confirmed my idea. There were many others who had experienced the same thing as well as information from the company. I went to bed feeling, if not physically better, a lot better for knowing what was going on.

Of course what makes it all worthwhile is the immense joy I feel at being so loved by Fian, the occasional sadness when life happens and the fun of falling on the floor laughing with Fian and my kids after we have been dancing around the room to daggy music. To feel the full range of emotion is a blessing - one I don't intend to forget to say thanks for every single day.

The only one..

2006-04-05T13:25:00.000+10:00

So after all my questioning and exploring (and some comments from some very clever people too!!), I think I have worked it out. The only one who I have to turn to for guidance on my submission is Fian.

So simple, yet it took me so long to figure it out. DUH... he's my Dom, my Man it's His wants, desires, pleasures and needs that I strive to fulfill. So if I have doubts about whether I am being all I can be in my submission, it is to Fian I should turn.

So I did.

And he basically (although not in quite the same words) wondered what took me so long to realise the answer! Grrrr, he knew all along what would work and help me, but was I let in on the secret?! Oh no, I had to muddle along, getting eye strain from staying up late reading every blog on the net and giving myself a bad dose of indigestion to boot. (well, I had to eat some snacks while I was up reading didn't I?)

AND....he is happy. Happy with me being a bit bratty (I tend to be kinda smart-assy funny when I'm being bratty) and happy to grow slowly in our relationship finding our way through sometimes foggy patches.

Last night Fian came over to my place after the kids were in bed and we did a bit of boring paperwork. Ho hum how boring. Luckily my night brightened up considerably after we had a shower and retired to the bedroom...

Fian's fingers were gently rippling over my skin, His touch was so light that at times I wasn't sure if He was touching me at all. Then, I had to close my eyes and focus my concentration on Him. Fian held his hands over my chest (but not touching it) I could feel the heat building in his palms and suddenly a scar on my chest bone started to burn and sting. Now that I was accutely aware of the energy and heat from Fian, he moved his hands to hover over other parts of my body. My whole concentration and being was focused on knowing where he was. As he moved he would ask me to put my hand up and touch his hand. Each time, (without looking) I knew straight away where he was. I love our connection.

This morning I could hear the kids stirring in their rooms and so we were trying to be quiet during our 'good morning' routine.{Wake up, kiss sleepily, roll over and cuddle and end up having extremely beautiful and often hard thrusting sex}. The huge mirror that I use as a headboard is still not attached to either the bed or the wall so it thumps during particularly energetic moments during our fucking - Not good when you are trying to be quiet. My solution? To get off the bed and stand at the end of it, bent over so my arse was exposed and my cunt ready for my Man. You should have seen his face! I think his solution was going to be to wait until tonight...

I like my solution better.

Questioning my submission

2006-04-03T16:28:00.000+10:00

No, I'm not questioning whether or not I should submit to Fian. That is beyond doubt - I have no doubts or fears over my love for Fian or fears about whether or not I give him my submission.

I've been doing some reading - reading other people's blogs of course and articles and 'how to's' and beginner's guides and fiction and and and .....

So now I am feeling very inadequate. I have all sorts of questions about my submission. Do I give to Fian enough? Am I truly submitting to his guidance in all areas of our relationship? Why do I act so bratty?

Fian looks after me so much. He truly believes that it is his responsibility to look after me and to be aware of how I am feeling.

Here is an example...
Fian and I have decided that we would like to have a child together. So, last week we went to the clinic and had my IUD removed. A couple of days later I start my period right on cue (I LOVE my body - it went straight onto it's regular cycle!). On the weekend we were out camping. We go hiking a fair bit and had wanted to finish a chain of mountains that we started a few weeks ago. Of course because I haven't had a period in a while I was feeling a little bit washed out (my body is doing a brilliant job of getting ready to conceive!). We were about 20 minutes into a hour and a half upwards climb when I had a huge cramp and flow. Fian was concerned and wanted to turn back but I insisted we go on. 10 minutes later I must have been looking a bit pale cause Fian then got totally stern with me and made me turn back.

Needless to say he was right - I really wasn't up to the walk, but was too stubborn to let "women's stuff" stop me. I'm so glad that Fian had the strength of will to make sure I was looked after when I was too stubbon to do it myself.

So why, when I am so blessed with this gorgeous, caring, strong, dominant Man am I so bratty and sometimes downright dismissive of what he has to say and of what he wants????
*Sigh* So lots of questions and no answers. I guess I just have to make an effort to do things that will please him, like getting off my backside and going over to his house to get some dinner going!!! (Actually I need to go there anyway cause I'm out of gas at my house and the kids and I need a shower and hot food!!!) LOL

Stay safe, play safe and enoy.

Really must get a clock

2006-04-03T08:08:00.000+10:00

AAAGGGHHHHHH "Come on kids, quick, out to the car - Hurry Up" - school bags flying, school lunches hastily being made, breakfast being drunk rather than eaten and me - Mum with hair flying, spinning around the kitchen faster than a set of hyperactive helicopter blades!

Out the door, door shut over to the car, everyone gets bundled into the car, turn the key, power surges through the car's electrical system and through the tiny little wire that powers the tiny (but oh so important) little clock on the dash...OMG! We're an hour EARLY!!!!!

I still didn't really believe it because we've only just changed back off daylight savings, so I rang Fian at his house...
"What's the time?"
"1194" he says.
"Oh ok" I reply
Then after an embarrasing delay, I say "No, it can't be after 11 o'clock." and after an even more embarrasing delay, "That's a funny time, I don't understand how you can have 94 minutes in an hour".
The silence at the end of the phone was punctuated with what sounded suspiciously like the sound of the palm of a hand meeting a forehead.
"No, KD, that's the phone number to call to check the time."
There's only one answer to that statement... "Why do I need that, I just rang you!!!"
I think I heard that forehead smacking sound again but this time it sounded a lot more like Fian introducing his forehead to the kitchen bench.

So now the kids are back out of the car and I'm off back to the kitchen to clean up the mess made by that helicopter!

*sigh* I've really got to get a clock.

So to the future...

2006-04-02T10:25:00.000+10:00

Last night Fian and I were at a business building seminar - here we were listening to a leader in our industry talk about the path that he and his wife took to their success. Now I know that people are different and that my personality is prone to procrastination and he is the type of personality that throughout his life if he wanted something he went out there and got it. I still got really frustrated because Fian and I aren't building our business as fast as I would like. Frustrated because I'm not an overnight success, frustrated because any delays in the development of my business is my own damn fault.

EEK I say to myself, I'm a submissive, why can't my Man just do all the work?!!!

"Well, (insert appropriate accent for the squeaky clean voice on my left shoulder) you know that Fian has a lot on his plate right now and is, after all only human. Doms aren't superhuman beings you know."

"Huh (again overlay an equally appropriate but devilishly wicked accent for the voice on my right shoulder), says He's a Man, says He will provide Huh..."

Ok, so maybe I am a little bit insane but maybe we all are. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am in conflict because when it comes down to it I am responsible for my own success and no one else is going to make a success of my life if I don't. Just because Fian is amazingly good at being my Man and sweeping me off my feet (usually to land on the bed!!!*wicked grin*) it doesn't mean that I can abrogate my part of the 50/50 partnership that we have.

*Sigh* I guess I'm looking for excuses and excuses are NEVER ok. Each time you make an excuse and give in to procrastination you are accelerating your progress in the opposite direction to that which your goals lie. So here I am in 'public' saying 'NO MORE'.

So Dom/Sub, Sub/Dom even though it washes into all aspects of our life and relationship we all have work to do and wanting to lie down and let someone else do all the work is not an option. Hmm, more exploration required.

One thing I know

2006-03-31T10:28:00.000+11:00

Sometimes I get carried away, swept along a current if you like. Often the river leads to a beautiful lake and it is peaceful and I feel content. Other times, instead of staying on the main current, I allow an swirling eddy to take me off to the side, into the creek that runs off at a tangent. The creek gets smaller and smaller, running into little tributaries and eventually I find myself barely moving at all and landing in the mangroves. The murky, foul smelling muddy area that usually hints of crocodiles (or alligators!), biting bugs and getting stuck somewhere as the tide comes in. This picture is of the creek that runs into Mosman Gorge in Far North Queensland (Australia). Such a pretty place so peaceful, but it runs to the mangrove on the coast which smells, has crocs and is full of biting flies and mosquitos.

So what has this got to do with the one thing I know? I know to take advice and listen to my instinct.

Yesterday I blogged about what flavour I am?

I posted a picture and it didn't feel right. Fian looks at it and exclaims about how I am going hardcore and then the beautiful Amber www.aspectsofamber.blogspot.com leaves such sensible words.

I am not a 'hard core' type of person. I am girly and like pretty things and my favourite colour is pink. I even wear pink when I go hiking and sometimes even take photos that look like there's fairies in the forest!!! No not very hardcore!

I am uncomfortable with the type of attention that I attracted to the blog. So, while it is not too late, I am going to steer myself back into the main current and flow to the peaceful lake. I.E. back off from the explicit pictures (yes, still mention some aspects of our relationship that are relevant). Let people use their own imagination to insert the image or find something else to put there.

At least I don't have a legion of readers who are going to be disappointed in some way!! lol The advantages of obscurity huh?!

Well, as always, stay safe, play safe and enjoy.

If not vanilla then what?

2006-03-30T21:26:00.000+11:00

So I get a comment left by someone else’s Dom. Why does this communication from another man concern me? I feel almost like I have been unfaithful?
The mere act of receiving communication from another Man in this personal, private manner has thrown me off balance. I’m not saying he did anything wrong or that in any way I have been put in a bad situation. This is just me exploring the many aspects of my Submissiveness and learning what my limits and interests are. I am formulating, if you like what ‘flavour’ my own kink takes.

Fian and I frequently discuss whether we are comfortable with ‘sharing’ each other and the response from both of us is an overwhelming NO. Fian is happy for me to share images on the blog, to write about our love, fucking, sex adventures and our exploration of the Dom/Sub relationship. But as for playing with other couples, having someone else join us for a ‘scene’ or just to have another Dom or Sub join us in a sexual or non- sexual manner we are just so wrapped up in each other that the thought of sharing is completely abhorrent.

The start of our relationship involved so much time where we could not be together and we spent a lot of time longing for each other and feeling like a ‘normal’ life (ie where you can actually see each other and spend time together, let alone go out together!) would never actually happen. As things have moved along, we see each other almost every day and spend many many nights together (well, almost all of them!). But do you know what? We still long for more time together – so much so that we are intent on building our business to a point where we never have to go to work again and can spend all of our time together.

So what ‘flavour’ kink do I have? Hmm, well, I guess the only thing I know there is that it isn’t vanilla. I’ve read heaps of interesting and funny descriptions of what different ice-cream flavours represent in the BDSM community, but as to what I am? I don’t know.

At times I love a good spanking, but I HATE pain!
I am completely submissive to Fian, but I am not his Slave (although we occasionally dabble on the edges of this).
The cool touch of a sharp blade, held by MY lover (note no one else) warm against my skin leaves me decidedly wet and completely turned on. But, I don’t like pain.

The helplessness of being bound – yum.
The cut of an intricately tied knot pushing into my cunt against my clit from a cord worn under my clothing – bliss.
What does this make me?
Do I need a label?
Oh well, enough rambling for tonight – the self discovery session is over for now – my Man is indicating that my online time is over and his ‘on me’ time is about to begin.
Stay safe and enjoy yourselves!

I'm in for it...

2006-03-26T20:41:00.000+11:00

Fian was sitting on the couch a couple of minutes ago stroking my hair when he suddenly took a fistful of hair close to my scalp and pulled me close to him with a fierceness that took my breath away. "I'm going to fuck you tonight and you're going to enjoy it"

Not much I can really say is there?

My first attempt at erotic fiction - Shift Work

2006-03-25T23:52:00.000+11:00

My apologies if this is crap - but here is my first foray into the world of fiction and fantasy....

Shift work
The days all seemed to roll seamlessly into each other. Home to work, work to home, home to work, work to home, home to work. FUCK will there ever be an end to this treadmill existence?
Despite the mundane existence and equally mundane internal rantings, there were a few shafts of sunshine to brighten the shifts at the hospital. Like the unbelievable tightness of Emma’s arse as she leaned across the table or strained as they lifted a patient onto the trolley. Sometimes Rob thought about dropping something in front of her when she wasn’t looking just so she’d have to bend again and he could let his imagination roam to what he would do if she ever acquiesced to letting him fuck her.

In fact the fucking component of the fantasy was the least of his obsessions. Now it could have been his overactive imagination but once Rob was sure that he could see the outline of a tattoo through the thin blue blouses that she wore at work. During a particularly long session in the theatre as the sweat ran down her neck and onto her back he noticed a gloriously coloured deep tissue bruise that marked her from neck to shoulder. “Interesting – who gave her that gift?” he thought to himself and indulged in the fantasy of his hands around her neck as she lay spread eagled on a table, cunt pulled open and shaved bare for him.

Emma’s arse was exquisite (as far as he could tell in the unisex theatre uniform). Each day of working with her brought new imaginings of her. As he crouched in the back of the store room he imagined her finding him wanking behind rows of bandages, trays and the ever deliciously tempting needles. Rob used the needles to let his blood flow from his veins across his cock and hand – how hot it was surging in his fist as he forced his cock through it. She’d gasp and go to run out, but, captivated by the sight of his cock – hard and bloodied her feet won’t move. Won’t move until the slightest curl of his finger motioning her to come to him pulls her like a winch, slowly and painstakingly around the shelf to come within arms reach of Rob.

Fear, intrigue, desire? Is this what he sees in her eyes? Slowly mimicking the movements used by children reaching out to pat a skittish pony he puts his non-blood covered hand out and gently touches just one of her fingers. She shivers and again goes to run and again is stopped by the wet sounds coming from the blood covered cock and by the hypnotic power of his ramming fist. Rob moves slightly to make room for her in the alcove behind the shelves and catches the drawstring of her trousers to draw her nearer. With a single pull the string is released and he has access to the simple knickers, pausing his wanking long enough to leave a red fingerprint on the white cotton.

Released from the hypnotic draw of his pulsing fist, Emma looks Rob in the eye for the first time staring at him, and then steps close enough for her breasts to be eye to nipple beneath their cotton restraint. As he blows through the tempting gap in the buttons his breath is hot and damp. Sharp teeth bite cruelly through cotton blouse, nylon bra and into the fleshy curves of the side of Emma’s breasts and sharply filed nails dig into the roundness of her arse.

Dragging Emma down to her knees and continuing his torture of her skin, Rob resumes fucking his hand, pulsing faster and faster feeling the blood growing sticky and beginning to dry. Now with his fingers dragging her knickers off to the side of her cunt Emma begins to breathe faster, almost matching the rhythmic thrust of Rob’s hand. Suddenly and intrusively Rob jams his fingers into her cunt, savagely twisting and pushing into the folds of flesh.

Close to cumming Rob pulls Emma brutally towards him and pierces the softness of her breast, biting hard with tearing, ripping shakes of his head. As Emma’s body heaves at this onslaught of pain and the sensations in her cunt, Rob thrusts and convulses and a blood/cum mixture surges from his cock staining the paleness of her thigh and white pantied cunt.

“Fuck I bet the reality wouldn’t be as hot as my version” thinks Rob shaking the image from his mind as he returns to reality, ready to clear the theatre and resume the work to home treadmill. Two more days till I’m on shift with Emma, at least there’s always the storeroom….

A busy afternoon by myself

2006-03-25T23:41:00.000+11:00

Sometimes (like today when I got back from taking the kids camping) when I’m hot and sweaty and dirty I like to postpone having a shower. There’s something about the baseness that appeals to me. In fact it turns me on to smell my scent coming from my armpits and from between my thighs. It’s not an offensive odour, I’m only hot and sweaty and have had a shower in the past day but still, it’s not something that usually you like to acknowledge is there.

The kids were at their Dad's for the afternoon, which left me on my own...So throughout the afternoon I alternated my time between lying on my bed in front of the huge mirror that I use as a bed head rubbing my cunt until I was on the brink of cumming and then getting up and reading erotic fiction and blogs on the net. The text of the stories – both fiction and blog played in my head as I returned to my bed to continue the blissful torture of my clit.

I try not to energetically contract myself as I draw closer and closer to climax then…stop. Just short and feel the energy draw from my quivering, contracting, hot cunt through my body and I breathe deeply and slowly.

Shaking legs carry me to the lounge to slouch on the cold vinyl of my ‘office’ chair – hunched over the screen of my laptop searching concurrently for titillation and for affirmation as I alternate betweens windows taking in the information and creations voraciously. Eventually the bed will call me again and I resume the play. On the final visit to the bedroom with the deep-orange light of the sunset reflecting off the mirror I retrieve a bottle of moisturiser from beside the bed. I don’t require its lubricant but I do desire its shape…A gentle curve perfect for stimulating the G-spot pushed up and forwards into me. Insistent fingers harass my cunt – not gentle teasings but vigorous fretting of the nerve endings, forcing the stem of my piercing to catch on the head of my clit sending shock waves up my spine and down to my toes.

Of course eventually I give in to the pleasure of my fingers on my clit and the press against the inside of my cunt and in sheer bliss throw myself back onto the bed to lie panting. My orgasm has added a new layer to the already heady aromas on my skin and I wish I had Fian’s cum on me to complete the mix.

And they all lived....

2006-03-24T09:29:00.000+11:00

So it goes like this...
I'm out in the backyard hanging washing on the line talking to Fian. We are chatting about the day, talking about how much we love each other and then...*dah dah dah da* (ominous music)it happens. We venture off the safe and happy road and into the murky swamp filled with hidden dangers.

Yes, the dangerous territory for all couples who have children from previous relationships...discussion on the kids. In this case Fian's kids are having interviews at a mediation centre because of some totally unreasonable behaviour by their mother. Sometimes the unfairness of the situation and the poison that is evident in the kids from their mother (her behaviour towards Fian [and to a certain degree, myself]) just makes me so damn mad I can't keep my mouth shut. So I told Him what I think. What I feel about her manipulation of Him, her pure spite, her lack of consideration for the children and sheer nastieness. Unfortunately then, I said what I thought of something He had done in response to this provocation...without holding back.

Yup, instead of supporting Him and holding Him up in the face of the fear of not seeing his children, I criticised Fian. As I spoke the phone suddenly felt heavy and the beautiful bright sunny afternoon seemed to cloud over with the muck that had come out of my mouth. The next couple of minutes of dialogue resulted in me saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for us to have kids together until he had sorted out the shit with His kids, the conversation ending, the phone being thrown to the ground and me having a totally unreasonable tantrum (internal rant anyway) about how I felt like I had no voice and that I am always going to be second in his life. (Somehow unreasonable isn't harsh enough for the crap that went on in my head.)

I was going to try to bring my camping trip with the kids forward, run away to the bush straight away - get away from him and let him suffer for how I was feeling. Ha then I realised that we would get there after dark - not a good introduction to camping for my little ones. So we went shopping and I bought fun yummy things to take camping and tried (unsuccessfully) not to grump at the kids because I was scared and feeling like shit.

Meanwhile Fian has texted me to let me know he had updated his blog – I was driving and instead of pulling over and texting a reasonable reply to say that I was out and couldn’t check it – I just wrote “Am out”. Yup the terse text.

He called as I was attempting to herd the kids across a busy intersection, weaving in and out of buses, taxis and impatient business men (who somehow manage to make sure you know they have seen you and don’t approve of the raggle-taggle mob we are whilst simultaneously pretending that you don’t exist!). Once I would have tried to answer it as there is no way I could miss talking to Him!! This time I just couldn’t – I told myself that MY kids needed to come first and HIS phone call could wait. Needless to say the concerned voice-mail message didn’t help to make me feel better about myself.

How bad did I feel when I finally read this on Fian’s blog…

“This is the advice that I've Taken on board this afternoon and come to a decision that has been so very hard. Karen. As publicly as I can I now ask you if you would consider being my partner in bringing a new life into this world? With all of the considerations that have been through I would like to start soon. Paris would be a great place. No Pressure, no compulsion. Of my own free will do I ask you this. Your Grey Fox”

OH SHIT! What do I do now? Have I ruined everything? Do I really want this – what if this happens again? (That’s the unreasonable, pouty, tantrum voice still.)

Fian and I speak on the phone and I agree to see him at my place that night. Now the nerves begin and I worry and the kids pick up on that and get all ratty and bratty and the cycle continues and and and – yup pure panic. He arrives after I have given the kids dinner and we are waiting to go for a walk.

The firm hand on my arms holding him away from me. Stopping me from collapsing on His chest until His question is answered. Part of me wanted to be defiant and fight Him. The rest of me wanted to hide my face in shame for not supporting Him and to fall to my knees and beg Him for forgiveness. Instead, I said that I do want to join with Him to create life. He finally held me to him and we talked as we walked the dogs through the paddocks.
When we got back I put the kids to bed and then we had a 'normal' night together. Except of one thing...
In between the usual stuff (washing dishes, kissing, folding clothes, fucking etc) we were planning. Next week we go to the clinic to have my IUD taken out. Fian is a naturopath and is planning my pre-conception care program. I am planning on loosing some weight and building up my tummy and back muscles.

In 6 weeks time we leave for our trip to the UK – here, every time we fuck (which will be a LOT!) we will know that I could get pregnant. This is going to be such a turn on!

Well, it’s time to pack the car and take the kids camping. And so the adventure continues….

The only two things

2006-03-23T14:50:00.000+11:00

In the time that Fian and I have been together I have always known that there are only two things that could cause us to fight or that could come between us.

Today they did.

I'm not sure what to do now. You can't argue with a man fighting for his kids.

And baby makes eight...

2006-03-23T11:48:00.000+11:00

How do you decide when the time is right to create a new life?

The decision to start a relationship with Fian was surprisingly easy, especially given that we were both involved with other people at the time. Falling in love with Him was even easier. At each stage of our relationship the process has followed a natural progression.
Step One Meet and find each other interesting.
Step Two Chemistry and Sparks.
Step Three Realise that Fian feels the same way about me.
Step Four Kiss in the park.
Step Five Arrange to go away.
Step Six Fuck. A lot.
Step Seven Say "I love you"
Step Eight Plan Talk Plan Fuck Plan Fuck Love Love Love Play Plan Fuck ....
Step Nine Move Out of our homes and relationships into separate homes
Step Ten ???

Yeah, I know this is simplified and doesn't really cover the complexities of breaking up, making up, breaking up, broken hearts, healing, kids, houses, leases,jobs, earning money, etc, etc etc. But really this can all come out in pieces - we have to deal with the right now. And right now I am being overcome by the overwhelming urge to procreate.
Yup, my body clock is ticking and the alarm is winding up to start ringing.

Fian and I have been talking about having kids together since about Step Seven! But I asked Him if we could really start thinking about it. As in...NOW!!! *sigh* Not very submissive of me cause I then proceeded to bring it up over the next few days - albeit hesitantly and quietly.

As we were scrambling down the side of the mountain last weekend (See my first post) He agreed that when we are in the UK in May that we could try to conceive!!! YAY...but then He went into His cave and I can feel the waves of panic or concern or worry washing out of the darkness. Now I'm confused and concerned. Where I was certain that it was time to move on (yes, I know that it's only been one year since we even MET!) now I am all over the place.

Maybe I should just stay in my little farmhouse where I live with my kids (three of them) and He should stay in His slightly bigger house where He lives (visited by his kids - two of them) and just accept that this is our relationship? It sounds really crappy to me. *Pout*

Fian is the best father that I have ever seen on this planet. My kids adore him (my ex hates him with such venom that it is frightening). I so want to carry His child. To conceive consciously and soulfully. To be aware of the new life, the spark that we created. To feel the life grow and my body change to nurture it. I love having my belly swell, my breasts fill with milk and my heart expand to make room for another person to love completely. Then to work together to parent our child.

I don't have any answers. Sometimes I come up with really good solutions to things, but I really think this is instinctive. How do I control instinct with logic?

Does this mean I have to trust Him? Is this what submission is about?

Discovering Fian

2006-03-23T00:40:00.000+11:00

Fian said he had a surprise for me yesterday - a gift for me. We love to give each other gifts, sometimes they are things that we have bought (not expensive usually), other times they could be as simple as a beautiful feather or flower we've found.

My gift yesterday was not something I could hold or touch, yet it is a gift that has truly touched me and that I hold so dear.

www.discoveringfian.blogspot.com

Words that Fian has written as we explore this path our lives are on. Words that describe us, His thoughts and, well, more about our fucking. How cool! What an amazing present - another place I can go to help me understand my Man. Thank you gorgeous one...I LOVE YOU!

Stress Relief Spanking

2006-03-22T23:09:00.000+11:00

I don't like pain. There you go. I've said it. Yes, the spankings that I receive within the bounds of my relationship with Fian are, in their own way, extremely enjoyable. But not the pain bit of them. I'm sure this doesn't really make any sense, but the actually process of having my arse and thighs slapped hurts like hell and I don't like it - in fact I cry. Often.

But the look in my Man's eyes and the strength in his body and the way he becomes so fucking hard is completely enjoyable. He gets so turned on by seeing my arse get more and more red, by the heat that comes off my skin and, yes, by my struggles, pain and whimpering. He is my Man and I give this to him (don't worry, I get turned on my the very fact that I am submitting in this way).

So why do I mention now that I don't like pain? Well, when I am in a 'mood' where I feel so bound up and unable to cry or let out the stress a 'stress relief' spanking can release the block...usually. The overwhelming sensation of pain and helplessness is usually enough to let loose the flood gates and have me sobbing my heart (well at least the hurt part of my heart) out on Fian's shoulder. I say that this usually works because last night it didn't. I was feeling worthless, useless and in a really down mood. My Man was getting totally over it so I got out of the room and got ready for bed. He came to bed later and I could sense him coming before he even opened the door to the bedroom. He was so male, so strong and power was radiating from him. Yet somehow I could also feel that he wanted to say or do something but either didn't know what or wanted me to ask him to do something. I realised I was in for a dose of stress relief - this means lots of ouchies for me! Forty minutes, two extremely red arse cheeks and one very well fucked cunt later he gives up. I could not be broken and the pain inside released. Basically this was one time I had to find my own stress relief - sort my own screwed up thoughts out by myself.

I know that Fian felt like he had really let me down and that he was not a good Dom for me in not knowing what I needed. But he didn't let me down...imagine someone doing everything in their power for you - only you. How could I feel let down when I know I am totally loved and totally taken care of?

Having said that I don't like pain, I do like being hit instead of slapped, I crave the feel of this closed hand on my body, the push as he holds me to the bed and the pressure of his body holding mine. We had a (in hindsight) frightening flirtation with asphixiation - at my request. I love the feel of his hands closing around my throat as he fucks me. I love the feeling of slipping away and then coming back to the sensation of his cock inside me and his teeth and tongue against my breast. However, the reality of the serious long term complications from this type of play have hit home and we now DO NOT allow my air supply to be blocked when Fian has his hands on my throat. In fact it is even more of a turn on now as I have to trust him completely to even allow him to put his hands there knowing how easy it would be to get carried away.

I was going to talk about the amazing sex that we had the night before last when Fian was still seething from a phone call from Judy his ex. But to tell you the truth, amazing sex is not something that is unusual in our relationship. This particular night was special not because we came together (which we did), or because Fian fucked me hard in as many different ways you could imagine (which he did). It was amazing because I realised that I was able to submit to Him and allow Him to use me and my body to express and heal His emotions. Now that is special and powerful.

Well, back to work - I am working at home tonight on the computer. If I don't get back to it I'll never get to slide into bed next to the most beautiful and gorgeous man in the world!

After the Storm

2006-03-21T08:25:00.000+11:00

THEY'RE OK!!! Phew! Mind you the damage to property up North is so extreme. My beautiful friend and her family are safe but spent the afternoon after the storm passed over trying to move huge gum trees from where they had fallen all around their home. Some of them fell within 2 metres of where they were huddled in the lounge room. She said the noise of them crashing around them was terrifying. My aunts and uncles up in Innisfail are also OK - again some property damage but no one was hurt. I think our family is so fortunate to have come out of this event so well.

Fian was brilliant yesterday when I was worried about everyone he kept sending me information that he got of the web and called me if there was anything new on the radio. I felt so well looked after by him - truly I believe that I am the luckiest woman that ever was loved by a man. Even when he was having a low point in the day after a horrible phone call from Judy his Ex (who is trying to stop him from seeing his kids {more about that another time}) Fian was still able to hold me and be excited when the phone call to say that everyone was ok.

We are so far removed from the area - Melbourne is at the opposite end of the country. Yesterday was the most beautiful blue sky day - perfect for the Commonwealth Games which are on at the moment.

I really want to post about how unbelievable it felt last night to help Fian relieve some stress by taking on his need to be a Man and to feel like he is in complete control, but I'm late to get to work. Later - I will post about this incredible sexual experience later.

Cyclone Larry

2006-03-20T14:52:00.000+11:00

A huge cyclone has just wiped out towns in the region that I grew up in. My best friend and her family is still somewhere under the eye of the storm. I'm so worried about them all and really really upset that this paradise that is my home has just had such an extreme weather event.

The storm hit this morning while I was still snuggled up in bed trying really hard not to wake up and thinking that perhaps if I ignored Fian's insistent cock pressing against me that he would go away! Yeah I know, really really stupid on two accounts... 1.I HAD to get up to go and pick my kids up from their dad (and I will never miss this appointment - ever) and 2. I'm a submissive - ignoring the insistent cock of my Man is about as likely as thinking I'm going to suddenly start calling the shots...it's just not going to happen.

So here I am, snuggled up and being gently (well, at first anyway) guided to a ground shaking joint orgasm when my family and friends are awaiting a destructive storm front to shake their very existence. Sometimes life really isn't particularly fair is it?

I'm thinking of you guys up in Far North Queensland - hold on and stay safe.

Lesson in Trust (or how to learn to submit halfway up a mountain)

2006-03-19T21:06:00.000+11:00

In submitting to my Man I never ever thought that I would learn to love having my arse wedged against a rock with one leg extended straight and the other bent up against my chest. My arms were shaking as I tried to hold myself up. I was well and truly fucked. How I wish that this were not meant metaphorically!

We went hiking through the Cathedral Mountains in Victoria - a most spectacular and wild region. One of the 'walks' takes you up the side of the mountain over rocky escarpments and then across the Razorback ridge past the peaks of the mountain ranges before decending through the temperate rain forest to murderous steps to the car park. It was on the initial stages of this 'walk' (notice the emphasis on the word 'walk' as opposed to scramble, climb and crawl!!!) that I found myself completely stuck in a crack, not able to quell the rising panic that said "I can't find a place to put my foot and that if I didn't find a place soon my arms would give way and I will come to a hideously painful stop on the jagged and oh so very hard rocks under me."

You know what I did - I got down and sat down and had a drink and a chocolate bar...isn't that what all sensible people would do? Then a family comprising of Dad, a teenage son, a pre-teen son, and a young teen daughter came scrambling up the track. The young girl was having trouble in the same spot. I sat there questioning my trust in my Man for bringing me up here (can you see the pouty lip from the bottom of the mountain?)when suddenly the dad leaned down and offered the girl his hand. She grabbed, was pulled through the tough spot and they proceeded up the side of the rock face. *BING* Light bulb on - all I had to do was ask for help, trust my Man and WE would do it together. It made him feel great too to be able to help me and see me succeed at something which was a real challenge for me.

The next question is did I get fucked on the mountain? Well, yes and no. I had my cunt licked as I hung precariously on the edge on of a rock on the side of the mountain. Fian loves my body and is very particular to make sure I know that he loves ALL of me - sweaty, unshowered and quite possibly not smelling like freshly picked roses! To turn as we climbed and pull my pants aside and lick my clit and move my piercing around with his tongue whilst putting his fingers in me is just one of the ways he likes to tell me he love me. I'm just lucky I guess.

It wasn't all one way - I made sure that as we traversed the Razorback that His cock was given a healthy dose of attention from my mouth and tongue. AND before you ask we were off the path and out of sight of any families that may have come along! Not too far out of the way not to be extremely exciting however...

Full Moon in May

2006-03-18T11:33:00.000+11:00

Why is it that the Full Moon has continued to mark the significant moments in this journey of mine?

The night I stood in the forest and heard the electric sparks of our attraction cut through the silence and felt the insistent press of the unfulfilled sexual tension as He and I stood by the car. Our bodies were not touching, we had not crossed those boundaries in a real sense yet (who knows what he had been dreaming about, but if it was anything like mine we had done much much more than touching...).

Through the dense cover of the trees She was there looking down and marking the occasion when we first realised that the Other felt what we felt too. The Full Moon shining through gaps in the canopy and then reflecting off the car as we drove on, escaping the confusing, pressing need to disappear into the bush and, well, to be honest fuck, fuck and probably fuck some more.

Not everything can be about looking back, but as a start to this new blog looking back can provide the history - ugh history - sounds like carrying baggage around really, but we all have history. The history of how Fian and I came to be Man and Submissive is inextricably tied (no pun intended!!) with how we are today. We were bound to others, unhappily bound, true, but still bound. Our history is so bound with the lives of those we were with but our present is OURS.

Us - Fian my Man and Me Karen. Man and Submissive - in the bedroom I am his to use, to take from me what he needs and wants. In life I am guided by his leadership and governance over our life together. (Please don't tell me about womens lib ok - I have a power in this relationship like no other) In return for my precious gift of submission He cares, loves, fucks me as I need, gives me pain as I need and fulfills me. OURS is a relationship of equals. He is Man and I am His - I have rights, needs and wants. He gives me everything I need, want and respects my rights more than any person on this beautiful earth.

This will be Our story - uncensored. For those who are rattled by lives that are not quite like theirs this could be a challenge, but I'm sure you'll read and then never come back. That's ok - we accept you are you are just as we accept who we are.

Now, I'm off to go camping and get fucked from behind holding a rock halfway up a mountain. I guess I'll have to posts how it goes!